talking to myself

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i wasn't such a chicken.

i wasn't always so timid: every boyfriend i've ever had was acquired through a brief and almost confrontational encounter.

"Hey, ___."

"Oh, hey, Vickie..."

"I heard you like me."

"Oh...wha-"

"Wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Okay."

things were so much easier when i was feigning straightness, and when i honestly didn't really care about what other people thought of me.

looking back, it's hard to pinpoint a specific reason as to why i started to build up these walls, or develop such a negative perception of myself.

in fact, i'm pretty sure Little Vickie would be less than approving of my current mental [and, probably, physical] condition.

here is how i imagine the conversation would go, if i was bffs with Dr. Emmett Brown:

Little Vickie: Wow.

Big Vickie: What?

LV: So I guess we're not really swimming anymore.

BV: ...That obvious?

LV: I have abs. You have rolls.

BV: Thanks, I hadn't noticed.

LV: Why aren't we swimming? I thought we had plans.

BV: We did. And then reality set in.

LV: How?

BV: Knee surgery -

LV: That kind of thing never stopped us before.

BV: - and teams were hard to come by in Mexico -

LV: We could've found a way.

BV: - and I was going through a hard time.

LV: You gave up.

BV: ...I gave up.

LV: Hm.

BV: [silence]

LV: And what about violin?

BV: I still practice...sometimes.

LV: No orchestra or Michelle Branch collaboration or anything?

BV: No - and we don't even like Michelle Branch anymore.

LV: Whaaat?

BV: She's in some country music thing now.

LV: Gross.

BV: Yeah.

LV: And do you perform or anything? Recitals?

BV: No.

LV: Why not?

BV: It's hard.

LV: It wasn't always hard. We got a standing ovation once.

BV: It stopped being fun.

LV: You let Mommy get to us.

BV: Something like that.

LV: You gave up again.

BV: ...I did.

LV: And are we out yet?

BV: You mean, gay-wise?

LV: What other "wise" could I mean?

BV: Yeah, we came out to everyone.

LV: Wow. Never thought we'd do that.

BV: Yeah.

LV: Do we still like you-know-who?

BV: Voldemort?

LV: Don't tell me what happens.

BV: You already kind of know.

LV: Don't! And anyway, not who I meant.

BV: Ah.

LV: Yeah.

BV: No, we've moved on.

LV: Ooo. Are we dating?

BV: Not exactly.

LV: What do you mean?

BV: We're open to the possibility, if other people are open to it, too.

LV: Why wouldn't other people be open to it?

BV: ...Look at us.

LV: You're stupid.

BV: That's probably one of the reasons, too.

LV: We were elected SCA President!

BV: ...And "Most Likely to Become Principal."

LV: Whatever. So we went through all that trouble to come out, after all those years of hiding, just to be single?

BV: How is it our fault that no one wants to be with us?

LV: Stupid.

BV: You've mentioned that.

LV: Did we give up on everything?

BV: No! We're writing a lot. And we're doing improv.

LV: Like comedy?

BV: Yeah, and we love it.

LV: Well that's something, at least. Never thought we'd do that.

BV: Yeah, I know.

LV: That's a little progress.

yeah, i'm not entirely sure if LV would approve of BV too much. lots of thing's've changed.

old goals out, new goals in.

really, though, as much as i might enjoy the idea of new liberties and independence, i can't help but wonder if it's too late to go back a little bit, or take a little bit of "back" with me.

i suppose it's a little silly to think that our younger selves were a little wiser than our current selves.

or more fearless.

if i'd just an ounce of the naive fearlessness and dreams i'd had when i was a little kid, i wonder where i'd be.

still though, it's dumb to regret things too much. probably a lot smarter to deal with the hand i was dealt.

or, perhaps more accurately, the hand i somehow chose to have.

i'm hardly past my prime, i think - or like to think - so i suppose it's never too late to re-imagine the life i'd like to have, or go about re-capturing some of the things i stupidly let go amiss.

it's probably about time i get over myself and start making changes, or go at least a little ways back to the things from my childhood that i envy.

sometimes growing up doesn't mean letting the little kid disappear.