...but my love is real!

so i've reread the previous few posts and can only say that i'm sorry for the emoness of them.

well, not really sorry.

but i have every intention of re-lightening up the ol' blog this time 'round with a couple of completely simple, non-thought-provoking lists.

the first, my biggest fiction crushes (that is, crushes on fictional characters).

they really aren't in any particular order:

1. Hermione Granger

i like a woman in charge. and, honestly, after all those times she covered Harry's ass, those books should've been called Hermione Granger and the Time Harry Should've Listened But Didn't Because He's Kind of Stupid.

2. Elizabeth Bennett

witty, independent, and unapologetic.

3. Elinor Dashwood

i also have a thing for the ones who're quiet but in charge. and she's the only one in that book who actually has an ounce of "Sense." i also like the idea of helping someone open up a bit, or being comfortably quiet with at times.

4. Juno MacGuff

i repeat: i have a soft spot for subtle badasses.

plus, neither of us could get pregnant. perfect.

5. Lisa Fremont

Grace Kelly. solving murders in a dress. arguing with Jimmy Stewart.

6. Chuck Charles

adorable and eccentric.

7. Veronica Mars

...do i even need to explain this one? she's like everything that's awesome in everyone mentioned above, rolled into one imaginary entity.

others not pictured:
Kate (Taming of the Shrew)
Betty Suarez
Lindsay Weir
Eowyn

a friend of mine told me the other day that he thinks crushes are mostly based on those characteristics we envy in others, or that we feel we lack and therefore admire.

i suppose the easiest way to prove this theory is through fiction crushes, as you're offered so much more insight into their thoughts and actions and histories.

in sitting down and looking at the above crushes, i've come to the conclusion that the qualities i tend to admire in others are as follows:
1. decisiveness.
2. emotional openness/control (except Elinor, clearly).
3. adventurousness.
4. being unapologetic.
5. being independent.
6. wit.
7. astuteness.

that being said (and i'm sure there're even more), i wonder if what my friend hypothesized is true.

i mean, i know for a fact that i have trouble in the whole decision-making department. i can hardly decide on what to have for dinner, usually.

and i've never been one to wear all of my emotions on my sleeve. at least, not intentionally. i've always had trouble orally talking about my feelings and problems, often resorting to less invasive methods of communication like simple storytelling or changing the subject for the sake or by way of telling a joke.

and i'm definitely not unapologetic. i often take the blame for a number of things that happen to and around me, and i'm still working on building up the courage to take first steps without hesitation.

but i like to think that i have something of a thirst for adventure. why else would i move myself all the way across the country, by myself?

and be willing to go to the UK for grad school?

i also like to think that i'm something of a quiet observer of the things around me, as i especially like taking walks on my own for the sake of soaking everything in without interruptions. and i like pointing some of these small observations out.

as for wit and independence, i'm not sure if i have either of them in abundance, as much as i may tend to think that i have, at least, a small inkling of each.

growing up in the Toro household meant family dinners every night and, by extension, conversation. with my parents being who and what they were, and my sisters each well-endowed with the gift for wit, these conversations were often as educational as they were entertaining. so, though i may have an understanding of and appreciation for wit, i often wonder if i was the Toro fluke.

independence-wise, again, i'm not entirely sure if i've the fortitude or sheer will to practice as much of it as i may have. my parents have never fared well with the idea of letting my sisters and me go, and the Toro girls often complain to one another about the choke-hold our parents still have on us.

but i wonder if i'd be able to survive if completely cut off from them. i'm not entirely sure if i've been equipped with the right frame of mind and experience to boast independence, as original as i might think i am.

so i suppose the nature of crushes is one that is based on compromise.

everyone secretly enjoys the idea of loving certain parts of himself or herself, and the true attachment forms when this likeness is coupled with certain attributes that he or she feels that he or she lacks.

all in all, i suppose, true crushes represent the ideal person we wish we could be.