a big midsummer morning's update/catch-up, or i wish i was straight

i thought this summer was done in terms of new developments, but, clearly, i was wrong.

quick summary:

1. improv started up again, and i found out last week that, if i complete all 3 levels/classes at Comedysportz, there's a good chance that i'll be admitted into the Rec League and perform regularly. someday, i might even audition for other shows at the theatre.

2. i got accepted into the Cinema-Television Critical Studies program at USC's film school. at first, i thought that i wouldn't get in in the first place. after a little while, once i declared in Narrative Studies, i figured i'd turn down the offer of admission just to keep things simple and because, in some ways, the 2 majors overlapped. but now i figure, hey, i got into USC film school. i'm sticking with it. i'm hoping it'll help me with networking and whatnot, and if i focus on film in the CTCS program, i can focus more on theatre in the NS program.

3. i'm actually giving thought to grad school.

crazy, i know.

especially as, ages ago, i vowed never to stay in school longer than i have to.

but i figure now, as i have no real, concrete, stable career plans for the future, the best option would be to stall for as long as possible.

so, the list of top choices includes (in no particular order):
Northwestern University
NYU
Columbia University
UVA
USC
UCLA
U. Penn
Oxford University
Cambridge University

the last two are as unattainable, probably, as they are pretentious. but i figure, what the heck. might as well see.

plus, i'm pretty sure i want to live in the UK for at least a little bit at one point in my life.

4. i've resolved to not pine for anyone, and not make it my mission to find someone this year. i'll just let the chips fall where they may.

screw unrequited love.

bleh.

gay stuff:

i've been to a number of different gay-related marches and rallies.

i've never felt so blissfully gay in all my life. and i'm learning a lot:

• the only single lesbians are unbelievably butch and scary.
• the only femme lesbians are either taken by an unbelievably butch lesbian, or another femme, or is too good for me.
• i don't know if i'm butch or femme.
• i've been told that i'm much more femme than i think.
• bah.
• my gaydar only seems to work on men.
• that or men are just that much easier to detect.
• only the coolest straight people are allies.
• and break my heart.
• homos like to march.
• and chant.
• and rant.
• and dance.
• and paint their boobs.

and i'm pretty sure there's still tons more to learn about this whole culture, which is why i'm a little excited and nervous for the upcoming year, when one of my roles in the USC LGBT community is to lead discussions on LGBT issues.

homesickness:

all in all, this summer's going pretty well, apart from the homesickness.

my cousin Jack just graduated from high school and i had to miss the ceremony because i'm all the way across the country.

you never really realize how far away from home you are until something makes you wish you could click your heels and teleport.

that and the whole film school acceptance thing is the kind of thing i wanted to share with my family.

but oh well...there'll be other summers, i suppose.

i just wish i could've been there for Jack.

and all of my friends, especially as a couple of them seem to be going through a lot. i hate not being there for them.

but i suppose that's the biggest thing about growing up and being an adult, at last.

learning and fighting to stay in touch, surviving on your own, clinging on to family.

i honestly can't believe how old we're all getting.

i had a heart attack when i found out that a kid i'd known since middle school had gotten married and had a baby.

and another is engaged.

and another passed away.

it's crazy how much can happen in what feels like a small space of time.

but it's also weird to think that, with 365 days in the year, meaning 525600 minutes (thanks, Rent), we don't anticipate so many opportunities for change.

sappy, as always.

on that note, the meat and potatoes:

i don't like to think of myself as the kind who needs someone.

i read somewhere that children who grow up in homes where affection and positive co-dependency grow up with a healthy attitude towards relationships and open affection. in other words, kids who see their parents relate to each other in positive ways will grow up and relate to their own partner in positive ways.

let's just say that i didn't get a lot of that growing up.

and the consequences of this more distanced upbringing has become increasingly evident these past few months as my sisters and i - according to just about all of my friends - are finding ourselves facing much of the same issues in our love lives.

er, my theoretical love life. as, technically it's there, but, really, it's not because nothing's actually happening.

first, we don't know how to "read the signs." if someone's flirting with us, we just can't tell. i'm pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that none of us really sees herself worthy of that kind of attention.

who the heck would flirt with me, really?

crazy.

second, we don't know how to act on our feelings. for the most part, i sit and pine and suffer.

in other words, we're all a little bit timid.

...a lot timid.

sometimes i wish i could just get obnoxiously drunk and drunk dial the person i like. just for the sake of putting it all out there and getting it over with.

and, potentially, forgetting about it in the morning.

otherwise, i feel like i'm going to end up sitting in my lonely, empty apartment, pining away for girl after girl after girl.

suffering for my "art."

...of comedy.

i mean, i know that people find confidence and courage way more attractive than timidness and self-deprecation, but i can't help it.

i wish i could go back to my middle school days when i had the cojones to demand things rather than shyly ask for them.

when i strolled up to my now ex-boyfriend and told him to be my boyfriend because i knew he liked me.

seriously. where the heck has that kind of confidence gone?

i guess dealing with girls is a different issue, as now it could potentially "mean something."

and girls are ridiculously confusing and all about those implicit schemes and charms and whatever.

all of which i lack.

but, hot damn, i wish i was straight sometimes.

it would make so many things easier:

• sex. none of that confusing canoodling business.
• flirting, as men are easier to please and way more straightforward.
• ...and what else would one need?

it's actually really unfortunate that i'm a lesbian.

you'd think i'd be alright at dealing with women because i'm one, myself.

but, apparently, the unfortunate combination of God and my genes and upbringing ultimately denied me most of the necessary and typical female decoding skills.

FML.

but i suppose it's about time i try to turn a brighter leaf.

just be myself and be okay with the fact that all this means is that someday, that special someone's going to see past all of the timidness and break through all of the stupid walls i've inadvertently built up and stubbornly refuse to tear down too easily.

or be so forward that i really have no choice but to go along with it.

at least i'll be with someone.

all's i knows is, i'm tired of pining. and i'm tired of not feeling good enough for anyone.

it's about time i stop trying so hard and let the ladies come to me.

(PLEASE come to me!)