all's fair when love is war: obsessed (and other terribly cliche frustrations)

crushes are probably the worst idea since that time when Chamberlain said, "Oh, don't mind Hitler: he's a stand up chap."

seriously. if there's one thing i hate more than having an irrational crush, it's constantly being around said crush and therefore not being able to get over said crush.

and not knowing how to properly use colons and semi-colons. and dashes. i tend to be dash, colon, and semi-colon happy.

i can never control when a crush starts. or when it changes.

i could develop a crush on someone because of the most mundane event that, to a normal person, would go unnoticed (as it should).

she could give me a wave, or trip on herself, or make a nerdy Harry Potter reference, or just laugh in a particular way and i'd fall head over heels for her. even if i don't know her that well.

it's impossible to determine my type when my desperation not only blinds me to certain, previously abhorred traits, but also gives a lot of meaning to a lot of nonsense: nonsense that can and will probably go on to haunt every waking moment and every attempt at relaxation and meditation.

moreover, once a crush is realized (even after i acknowledge the fact that it's unfounded or unlikely), i spend the next ridiculously long period of my life pining away at something that had no real past, no real present, and definitely no real chance for a future.

why do i do this to myself? i can't think of any answer apart from, "Because I secretly like to torment myself."

seriously. sometimes i think i have this secret need to pine and suffer for the sake of unrequited love. somehow it's a sick way for me to get my jollies. as pathetic as it sounds, subconscious, irrational Vickie appears to find self-inflicted unrequited love a perfect avenue for uncomfortable feelings and helplessly awkward encounters.

and it blows.

especially when you get so stupidly drunk at a party that you confess to anyone and everyone (except the actual girl, of course) that you have a nerdy, silly crush on a certain someone...

...while you're wildly unattractive for a multitude of reasons, the least significant of which is your concession to Asian Glow (of course, the only Asian gene you inherited, of all the other totally awesome and promising Asian genes you could have gotten had your sisters not run the prodigal gene river dry).

as i once told my friend Kyle, who once tried to encourage me to, "Pounce on the bitch," i don't pounce, i pine.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the cojones to be upfront about all these feelings, and then i remember that it would be impossible to bypass my inherent awkwardness and inability to ignore the turning of the stomach and tightening of the throat whenever someone i'm remotely attracted to randomly decides to roll around.

it's never until the awkward moment's passed that i think of a million ridiculously charming and clever things i could've said to win her heart, rather than the useless, socially challenged word vomit and dribble that tend to spew from my mouth when i'm in a panic.

and then, of course, i keep kicking myself (sometimes literally) and complain and make a whiney ass bitch of myself in front of my poor, absurdly loyal, compassionate, and generous friends who have no choice but to hear my annoying self-deprecating rants.

(i'm sorry, you guys.)

why can't i change? why can't i just grow up? why can't i grow a pair of ovaries and stroll right on up to her and say, "Hey, I like you a whole lot and think we should get coffee?"

coffee?

i don't know. according to my cousins, it's what grown-ups do when they like each other and want to talk.

am i even grown up enough for a relationship of sorts? or even just a date?

sometimes i get the nagging suspicion that i'm nothing but a 6 year old trapped in an ill conceived 20 year old body.

i would much prefer to be the other way around, but it's probably way too late for that kind of switch.

also, coffee at this point would be rendered useless by the sheer fact that i can't so much as greet her without saying or doing something that could land me in an institution.

i suppose the best place to begin would be to sit down and think about the things i tend to be attracted to, or could potentially be attracted to when in a somewhat sane state of mind.

Personality-wise:
1. she has to be willing to make bad jokes and potentially make something of a slight fool of herself in public. this is probably the biggest turn on of all time. i'm not sure why, but anyone who's comfortable enough with herself to not care about making a slight ass of herself is alright in my books.
2. she has to be able to laugh at my bad jokes, or at least tease me about them. or any of my jokes, for that matter, but as the majority of my jokes tend to fall on the nerdy side, this particular trait could be a major asset.
3. being outspoken but not pretentious or condescending (towards anyone) is a great trait to have. there's a difference between having an opinion and denouncing all other opinions.
4. that being said, intelligence isn't essential so much as passion is really important. if she's passionate about anything, and is willing to share it with me and educate me about it, then things'd be great.
5. she's unassuming about her looks and her personality. everything she does is natural to her and genuine and unshakeable.
6. unafraid of her nerdiness or awkwardness. she just is.

Looks-wise:
just FYI, i'm not particular about physical stuff.
1. she's comfortable with herself. no matter what. she might be humble, and a little awkward and shy and unassuming, but not wildly insecure or falsely self-deprecating.
2. warm eyes, as cheesy as this sounds. just something in her eyes when she's laughing or smiling or talking to me that grabs me. it's genuine and makes me feel safe somehow. (on a more superficial level, i tend to be drawn to lighter eyes, particularly grey or green.)
3. a nice, big, genuine, warm smile. again, cheesy. shoot me.
4. a great laugh. sappy, but true. it's the kind of laugh that i like to hear over and over again and which makes me wanna make her laugh over and over again.
5. as i tend to be more comfortable with being a Big Spoon, she'd probably be a little shorter or at least around my height. and this is completely superficial.
6. artsy and/or strong hands. i don't know, but i have a hand fetish.

Hobbies-wise:
1. i love to cuddle. i just do. and it's long overdue.
2. if she loves It's a Wonderful Life, or any Jimmy Stewart movie, i'll probably be into her.
3. if she has a nerdy obsession/interest (i.e. Harry Potter, Star Wars) - but not to the point where it's creepy - i'm in.
4. again, things that she's really passionate about. anything. whether it's artsy, or charitable, or purely indulgent, any form of passion for or deeper understanding of something is a huge plus.

granted, all that said, i know i'm in no position to be choosey and, by all means, i know that this "list" is completely malleable. i suppose outlining all of this and trying to put order to something that, for me, tends to be completely chaotic and non-sensical or unfounded is supposed to be therapeutic.

i guess some people see the romance in decidedly having feelings for someone for reasons they can't quite explain following a totally chance encounter filled with unorthodox (or completely, overanalyzed typical) minor occurrences - and i suppose some part of me likes to agree - but i can't help but wonder if feelings like that, or like the crush under which i'm currently pressed, are at all healthy or helpful.

after figuring out what i tend to like, the next step might be to find out what i'd do if i were to find someone who managed to fit (or, at least, someone i'm inexplicably drawn to):

1. i'd spend an unspecified amount of time pining and complaining to poor, innocent friends who want nothing more than to stuff a sock in my mouth and be done with it.
2. i'd pine some more.
3. [ideally, in a perfect world where the women i tend to be attracted to aren't way too good for me] during some chance encounter, i'd suddenly blurt out something irretractable like, "Hey! You! Coffee?" or, hopefully, something way more suave (i still have to work it out...)
4. i'd take her out to do something fun that either plays to one of or both of our passions or that neither of us has done before, before/after dinner or lunch or coffee. (too cliche?)
5. if, by some miracle, things go well and i haven't made a total ass of myself, i'd offer to take/walk her home. a walk which, again, if everything has somehow managed to go about without a hitch, might include some level of handholding or awkward flirting.
6. if i still haven't screwed up, i might hint at a second date.
7. after a series of successful dates, we might progress to cuddling.
8. and so on and so forth.

needless to say, i'm naive, inexperienced, and totally sappy. moreover, i've clearly received dating lessons from rom coms of the mid-20th century.

in all honesty, i really can't see myself going through with step #3 any time soon. if anything, i'd have to be the one approached.

what my friends and i have concluded is that i am incapable of flirting. not because i don't know how to respond, but because i don't even know what's going on until after it's all over.

the only way i might pick up on it would be if she came up to me and said something along the lines of, "Hey. I'm flirting with you."

and i probably still wouldn't believe her.

i lead a sad, sad existence.

i need help.

fast.

fin.

Lykke Li - "Tonight"


The Killers - "Dustland Fairytale"


Cat Stevens - "How Can I Tell You?"