april powers bring may flowers

so, according to my sisters, my dad's been going on about how much i've "blossomed" this year.

personally, it's pretty tough to gauge how much change has happened.

so, after a recent dramatic event/discussion with my suite-mates - who suggested i take a look back and re-evaluate just how much i've changed this year so as to come to terms with the possibility that "not all change is good" - i've decided to do just that.

first, a look at freshman year:
1. i was unhappy with my self-image. upon gaining an insane amount of weight the previous two years (following a diagnosis of Depression, etc.), i had little to like about myself - both inside and out.
2. i was a total hermit. the only person i really ever talked to was my roommate (who i still absolutely adore).
3. i wasn't part of any of the communities on campus and, therefore, felt completely detached and unhappy. i was lonely.
4. i didn't know what to do with my life. i was lost, confused, and helpless. i felt useless and isolated. i was a waste of space.

in fact, freshman year, my depression and loneliness hit such a low point that i seriously considered transferring (or worse). i wasn't happy with myself, my situation, and my homesickness was a burgeoning incurable disease.

and now a look at this past year:
1. i have so many unbelievable friends, and i've met (and am still meeting) really interesting people. i actually have a social life, but, more than that, i have a second family.
2. i'm totally involved and in love with a community. so much so that i've taken on a couple of leadership roles for a couple of the organizations i really enjoyed this year.
3. i feel like i'm part of an exciting movement.
4. i'm taking an active role in pursuing dreams that i used to think were out of reach because i was too chicken. actually, i managed to persuade my parents to let me stay in LA for the summer so i can suck it up and do some improv comedy workshops.
5. i'm feeling much more inspired, and have consequently started writing more. not well, but still something.
6. i've decided on a major - Narrative Studies - and have every intention of actually following through with a lot of things that i've put on either the backburner or a pedestal.
7. i finally feel worthwhile. er, at least, a little more wortwhile than before.

so, suite-mates, i'd just like to say that i'm quite happy with the changes that've taken place this past year. i may have made a few mistakes, but i've learned from them. i'm human. and the fact that i choose not to stay cooped up in my room all day (anymore) doesn't mean that i've taken a turn for the worse.

i finally feel like i'm coming into my own and, for lack of a better analogy, and to continue the overall sappiness of this post, i'm "blossoming."

it's been a big month.

in all honesty, i'm not sure if pursuing a career in comedy - in any form - is promising, but i know that if i don't try, it could be something i regret for the rest of my life.

and i'm excited about coordinating uRap and OutReach (co-coordinating this one), albeit a little nervous, because it feels like holding these positions is a culmination several shell-shattering acts and events. it'll be a challenge, going from being nobody to being someone in charge, but it'll definitely be a huge learning experience.

and all of this is important. i used to complain and whine about being single and everything, but, now that i know what it's like to be myself, and now that i've been able to look back at who i was, i think i finally know what they mean when they say that the only way you can really be with someone else is if you're comfortable with being with yourself first.

and i think i'm finally coming into that position.

i'm happy.

(also, i'm more than aware of the cheesiness of this post's title. so whatever. WHATEVER.)