hoofah!

yes, hoofah.

why?

it's been ages since my last post.

how long?

a number that's much higher than i'm able to count t0.

how come?

so many things to do.

and learning, learning, learning:

1. i'm gonna do it. comedy, i mean. yes. writing. i'm shit at it, but i'm less shitty at it than i am at other things.

like math.

or taking care of old people.

2. i'm wildly immature. it's true. and i'm hoping the fact that i'm more aware of this will help me to finally grow up.

all there is to do now is get over my fear of growing up.

fearofoldnessphobia.

which, incidentally, is tied to my fear of Depends.

3. on top of the whole immaturity thing, i need to work out my relationship issues.

honestly, i don't know what the heck is wrong with me.

so many wonderful people - all of whom are clearly out of my league - come into my life and i end up panicking and letting them slip away, or not letting things develop in the first place.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm pretty sure that someday they'll realize they're too good for me and'll end up leaving me anyway.

and sometimes i think i'm too picky.

i'm still ridiculously inexperienced and therefore naive and too expectant of first love experiences.

or any kind of love experience.

i'm always subconsciously looking for that initial spark, and if it's not there then i immediately give up.

and this is no good because sometimes i wonder if i just don't let myself feel that spark.

anywho, i've got issues to work out.

maybe being more assertive'll force me out of my own head.

4. i think my comedy schtick'll have something to do with my cluelessness. lately i've been trying to think of ways to write a routine or sketch of some kind that's laden with innuendo that's doubly hilarious because the actual speaker is unaware of it all.

work in progress.

tough.

but it's the kind of tough that i think i'll actually enjoy.

5. i miss swimming. i really do. sometimes i still wonder if it's too late to make something out of it. i never thought i'd miss morning practices and dryland and competition, but i do. i need to get back into it.

6. i also miss music. tomorrow i'm going to cut my nails and suck it up and practice. maybe. when everyone's out of the house or i manage to sneak into the USC music halls like i did during my freshman and sophomore years.

7. i've been swearing a lot lately. i need to stop. i might invest in a swear jar, and at the end of every week i'll take the jar out on the town and give its contents to the first hobo i meet.

though, this is even more incentive to increase my swearing.

...i've never actually understood the purpose and effectiveness of swear jars.

anywho, that's where i'm at at the moment. well, there and underneath a massive pile of homework i'm ignoring right now.

which i should probably get to.

k, bye.