right. so i work with a relatively old woman who, up until this point, has been on my good side.
for the most part, i'd sort of accepted her as a feisty old woman with a lot of spunk and character, but, today, i couldn't help but feel that she's more or less fallen out of my good graces.
why?
well, with nothing to do today, i was reading a Harry Potter book.
she came by and asked what i was reading, so i showed her the cover and told her.
"Ya know, I've never understood the appeal of that stuff haha I mean, my kids and my grandkids love them, and they told me that if I gave them a shot I'd like 'em, but whenever I see that stuff on TV all I can think of is witchcraft! Just witchcraft!"
and she went on a little more, finally delving into the fact that she thinks my generation is at risk because the morality of her own generation has gone out the window.
nobody gives religion as much credit as they should anymore, she says.
i was okay with this speech. Lord knows i've heard it a fair few times from old people, so i figured it was more or less expected.
but then she kept going on with a new topic.
"And ya know what else I don't get? These jails! I mean, so the men prisons are ALL men, right? And no women. And the women prisons are ALL women, and no men. So I'm thinking, why the heck are these places so stocked up with condoms? And why is this okay? No one thinks it's wrong. I mean, think about it, right? ALL men and ALL women? What else do you think is going on there? And NOBODY thinks it's wrong. And I'm asking, 'Why the HECK is MY tax money being taken by the government to BUY these condoms and SUPPORT that kind of thing.
I'm old-fashioned now - nobody gives me or people who think the same way as me as much credit anymore.
I believe in the old stuff, where I don't want my tax money to go to that kind of thing. Where I don't understand how 6th graders're getting pregnant and these parents nowadays're letting their kids just watch violent movies and play violent video games.
I mean, right? Thank GOD my kids're all grown up and raised already. It's terrifying to think that kids're gonna grow up with these kinds of things.
And to think that all those things're alright?
Marriage is for sex and having children and it's for a man and a woman.
I don't understand people who just have sex outside of marriage or have babies without getting married.
Right?
But if I say these things out loud, then I'M just judgmental, right?
It doesn't make sense."
you wanna know why you're considered judgmental, you old windbag?
because you fail to recognize the changing times. call the newer generation ignorant of old morals and values if you want, but you're just as guilty - if not moreso - of being ignorant of [necessary and inevitable] change.
i can understand wanting to let things stay the way they are, for the sake of stability, but hot damn, you'd think all those years under your belt'd be proportional to your alleged wisdom.
first off, Harry Potter is about more than witchcraft. if you read it and didn't judge a book by its cover, you might discover that that is chock full of the morals you and your beloved Bible so faithfully support and preach.
secondly, if you want the HIV epidemic to continue to spread, just because of your adamant objection to homosexuality and your need to hold onto a few extra dollars, go ahead: get that blood on your hands.
i think people of your age and mindset forget that there is one institution that has, arguably, been around longer than the Bible or any religious institution (that is, an institution that not only preceded Christianity, but also formed the foundation of it): love.
love is a big word, though. over time, it's been abused, misunderstood, and has evolved, incessantly, since its inception - whenever that may have been.
it encompasses a lot of things that we may often take for granted: human decency, compassion, loyalty, and faith.
the Bible isn't about the rights and wrongs of humanity, and, even though it outlines the many flaws of the human race, it doesn't hold said race in contempt.
if anything, it honors the one thing that seems to set humanity apart from all of God's other creations: our capacity to love.
that's all.
that's all religion should be about.
and that's all that should be in mind when deciding between right and wrong.
do we let convicted, confined criminals copulate with fatal consequences? let them die and offer no charity or compassion or, in the very least, guidance?
is it really wise to simply attempt to prevent the inevitable? rather than adjust to change so as to provide better safety?
no, because even Jesus gave those who wronged second, third, fourth chances.
moreover, knowing full well that these individuals might head back out into society, how can we sit idly by and allow for their "indiscretions" to spread to innocent passersby?
how can we put our neighbors at risk?
in any context?
how can we let them starve, deteriorate with disease, or allow them to make ill conceived and poorly informed decisions?
and how can we prevent our neighbors from partaking in the one God-given gift that defines our humanity?
how can you tell someone that their love is wrong?
love is a big word, not because it should be restricted or contained or feared, but because, simply enough, it doesn't discriminate.
it's human.
it's flawed.
it's inevitable.
it's necessary for harmony and unwavering faith in whatever you choose to believe.
and that's the only morality we need - that is, the kind that isn't defined by too-long lists of dos and don'ts; rather, the kind that allows for indiscriminate and unconditional love.
so, thank you, old lady, for saying all of those things to and right in front of me, knowing full well that i'm involved with the LGBT community.
thank you for disregarding any notions of human decency and consideration so as to banter on with your hurtful bigotry.
i regret not being brave enough to stand up to you and needing this job.
but i'm grateful for the fact that, God willing, i've got another 60 some odd years to go before my moral compass goes to pot.
and, of course, before i need Depends, too.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Red with passion, or the heart wants what it wants.
i confessed to a friend a little while back that i hold a soft spot for redheads.
she was disgusted, and proceeded to harangue me for my Ginger Love by informing me, in so many words, that redheads are nothing more or less than the spawn of Satan.
"Red with evil."
but i disagree.
although i can't necessarily describe a concrete reason as to why i harbor special feelings for redheads (that is, apart from the fact that they're nearly always cheerful and bubbly and, to some extent, awkward), i know for a certain fact that they're not the earthly embodiment of the devil.
everybody needs love from somebody.
Gingers need love, too.
and i'm here to give it to them.
that being said, so as to continue the previous post, this second list is devoted to the Gingers of My Heart (again, in no particular order):
1. Amy Adams
from Enchanted to Sunshine Cleaning, i just love her. she seems so down to earth and friendly and adorable.
2. Kate Winslet
i. love. her. always have, always will. true love lasts a lifetime. she's my #1 special lady. i actually don't even know why i didn't list her as number 1 here. probably because, given our true connection, numbers - and everything else in this world - are unimportant.
creepy?
good.
3. Jenny Lewis
actress and musician and singer and beautiful and awesome.
4. Alyson Hannigan
granted, i'm probably more attracted to her smile than anything else, and she now plays a brunette on "How I Met Your Mother," but still. and that's all i've gotta say: "but still."
5. Isla Fisher
crazy. and crazy hilarious and awesome.
6. Christina Hendricks
um. hott. that is all.
and, of course, not included in this list but whom i still wholeheartedly admire: Lucille Ball and Katherine Hepburn.
see? Gingers aren't all bad.
i mean, i'm not saying that i'm exclusively attracted to redheads...
i'm just saying that they deserve a shot, too.
and i'm widening my options.
the heart wants what it wants.
now excuse me while i drool.
she was disgusted, and proceeded to harangue me for my Ginger Love by informing me, in so many words, that redheads are nothing more or less than the spawn of Satan.
"Red with evil."
but i disagree.
although i can't necessarily describe a concrete reason as to why i harbor special feelings for redheads (that is, apart from the fact that they're nearly always cheerful and bubbly and, to some extent, awkward), i know for a certain fact that they're not the earthly embodiment of the devil.
everybody needs love from somebody.
Gingers need love, too.
and i'm here to give it to them.
that being said, so as to continue the previous post, this second list is devoted to the Gingers of My Heart (again, in no particular order):
1. Amy Adams
from Enchanted to Sunshine Cleaning, i just love her. she seems so down to earth and friendly and adorable.
2. Kate Winslet
i. love. her. always have, always will. true love lasts a lifetime. she's my #1 special lady. i actually don't even know why i didn't list her as number 1 here. probably because, given our true connection, numbers - and everything else in this world - are unimportant.
creepy?
good.
3. Jenny Lewis
actress and musician and singer and beautiful and awesome.
4. Alyson Hannigan
granted, i'm probably more attracted to her smile than anything else, and she now plays a brunette on "How I Met Your Mother," but still. and that's all i've gotta say: "but still."
5. Isla Fisher
crazy. and crazy hilarious and awesome.
6. Christina Hendricks
um. hott. that is all.
and, of course, not included in this list but whom i still wholeheartedly admire: Lucille Ball and Katherine Hepburn.
see? Gingers aren't all bad.
i mean, i'm not saying that i'm exclusively attracted to redheads...
i'm just saying that they deserve a shot, too.
and i'm widening my options.
the heart wants what it wants.
now excuse me while i drool.
Friday, June 26, 2009
...but my love is real!
so i've reread the previous few posts and can only say that i'm sorry for the emoness of them.
well, not really sorry.
but i have every intention of re-lightening up the ol' blog this time 'round with a couple of completely simple, non-thought-provoking lists.
the first, my biggest fiction crushes (that is, crushes on fictional characters).
they really aren't in any particular order:
1. Hermione Granger
i like a woman in charge. and, honestly, after all those times she covered Harry's ass, those books should've been called Hermione Granger and the Time Harry Should've Listened But Didn't Because He's Kind of Stupid.
2. Elizabeth Bennett
witty, independent, and unapologetic.
3. Elinor Dashwood
i also have a thing for the ones who're quiet but in charge. and she's the only one in that book who actually has an ounce of "Sense." i also like the idea of helping someone open up a bit, or being comfortably quiet with at times.
4. Juno MacGuff
i repeat: i have a soft spot for subtle badasses.
plus, neither of us could get pregnant. perfect.
5. Lisa Fremont
Grace Kelly. solving murders in a dress. arguing with Jimmy Stewart.
6. Chuck Charles
adorable and eccentric.
7. Veronica Mars
...do i even need to explain this one? she's like everything that's awesome in everyone mentioned above, rolled into one imaginary entity.
others not pictured:
Kate (Taming of the Shrew)
Betty Suarez
Lindsay Weir
Eowyn
a friend of mine told me the other day that he thinks crushes are mostly based on those characteristics we envy in others, or that we feel we lack and therefore admire.
i suppose the easiest way to prove this theory is through fiction crushes, as you're offered so much more insight into their thoughts and actions and histories.
in sitting down and looking at the above crushes, i've come to the conclusion that the qualities i tend to admire in others are as follows:
1. decisiveness.
2. emotional openness/control (except Elinor, clearly).
3. adventurousness.
4. being unapologetic.
5. being independent.
6. wit.
7. astuteness.
that being said (and i'm sure there're even more), i wonder if what my friend hypothesized is true.
i mean, i know for a fact that i have trouble in the whole decision-making department. i can hardly decide on what to have for dinner, usually.
and i've never been one to wear all of my emotions on my sleeve. at least, not intentionally. i've always had trouble orally talking about my feelings and problems, often resorting to less invasive methods of communication like simple storytelling or changing the subject for the sake or by way of telling a joke.
and i'm definitely not unapologetic. i often take the blame for a number of things that happen to and around me, and i'm still working on building up the courage to take first steps without hesitation.
but i like to think that i have something of a thirst for adventure. why else would i move myself all the way across the country, by myself?
and be willing to go to the UK for grad school?
i also like to think that i'm something of a quiet observer of the things around me, as i especially like taking walks on my own for the sake of soaking everything in without interruptions. and i like pointing some of these small observations out.
as for wit and independence, i'm not sure if i have either of them in abundance, as much as i may tend to think that i have, at least, a small inkling of each.
growing up in the Toro household meant family dinners every night and, by extension, conversation. with my parents being who and what they were, and my sisters each well-endowed with the gift for wit, these conversations were often as educational as they were entertaining. so, though i may have an understanding of and appreciation for wit, i often wonder if i was the Toro fluke.
independence-wise, again, i'm not entirely sure if i've the fortitude or sheer will to practice as much of it as i may have. my parents have never fared well with the idea of letting my sisters and me go, and the Toro girls often complain to one another about the choke-hold our parents still have on us.
but i wonder if i'd be able to survive if completely cut off from them. i'm not entirely sure if i've been equipped with the right frame of mind and experience to boast independence, as original as i might think i am.
so i suppose the nature of crushes is one that is based on compromise.
everyone secretly enjoys the idea of loving certain parts of himself or herself, and the true attachment forms when this likeness is coupled with certain attributes that he or she feels that he or she lacks.
all in all, i suppose, true crushes represent the ideal person we wish we could be.
well, not really sorry.
but i have every intention of re-lightening up the ol' blog this time 'round with a couple of completely simple, non-thought-provoking lists.
the first, my biggest fiction crushes (that is, crushes on fictional characters).
they really aren't in any particular order:
1. Hermione Granger
i like a woman in charge. and, honestly, after all those times she covered Harry's ass, those books should've been called Hermione Granger and the Time Harry Should've Listened But Didn't Because He's Kind of Stupid.
2. Elizabeth Bennett
witty, independent, and unapologetic.
3. Elinor Dashwood
i also have a thing for the ones who're quiet but in charge. and she's the only one in that book who actually has an ounce of "Sense." i also like the idea of helping someone open up a bit, or being comfortably quiet with at times.
4. Juno MacGuff
i repeat: i have a soft spot for subtle badasses.
plus, neither of us could get pregnant. perfect.
5. Lisa Fremont
Grace Kelly. solving murders in a dress. arguing with Jimmy Stewart.
6. Chuck Charles
adorable and eccentric.
7. Veronica Mars
...do i even need to explain this one? she's like everything that's awesome in everyone mentioned above, rolled into one imaginary entity.
others not pictured:
Kate (Taming of the Shrew)
Betty Suarez
Lindsay Weir
Eowyn
a friend of mine told me the other day that he thinks crushes are mostly based on those characteristics we envy in others, or that we feel we lack and therefore admire.
i suppose the easiest way to prove this theory is through fiction crushes, as you're offered so much more insight into their thoughts and actions and histories.
in sitting down and looking at the above crushes, i've come to the conclusion that the qualities i tend to admire in others are as follows:
1. decisiveness.
2. emotional openness/control (except Elinor, clearly).
3. adventurousness.
4. being unapologetic.
5. being independent.
6. wit.
7. astuteness.
that being said (and i'm sure there're even more), i wonder if what my friend hypothesized is true.
i mean, i know for a fact that i have trouble in the whole decision-making department. i can hardly decide on what to have for dinner, usually.
and i've never been one to wear all of my emotions on my sleeve. at least, not intentionally. i've always had trouble orally talking about my feelings and problems, often resorting to less invasive methods of communication like simple storytelling or changing the subject for the sake or by way of telling a joke.
and i'm definitely not unapologetic. i often take the blame for a number of things that happen to and around me, and i'm still working on building up the courage to take first steps without hesitation.
but i like to think that i have something of a thirst for adventure. why else would i move myself all the way across the country, by myself?
and be willing to go to the UK for grad school?
i also like to think that i'm something of a quiet observer of the things around me, as i especially like taking walks on my own for the sake of soaking everything in without interruptions. and i like pointing some of these small observations out.
as for wit and independence, i'm not sure if i have either of them in abundance, as much as i may tend to think that i have, at least, a small inkling of each.
growing up in the Toro household meant family dinners every night and, by extension, conversation. with my parents being who and what they were, and my sisters each well-endowed with the gift for wit, these conversations were often as educational as they were entertaining. so, though i may have an understanding of and appreciation for wit, i often wonder if i was the Toro fluke.
independence-wise, again, i'm not entirely sure if i've the fortitude or sheer will to practice as much of it as i may have. my parents have never fared well with the idea of letting my sisters and me go, and the Toro girls often complain to one another about the choke-hold our parents still have on us.
but i wonder if i'd be able to survive if completely cut off from them. i'm not entirely sure if i've been equipped with the right frame of mind and experience to boast independence, as original as i might think i am.
so i suppose the nature of crushes is one that is based on compromise.
everyone secretly enjoys the idea of loving certain parts of himself or herself, and the true attachment forms when this likeness is coupled with certain attributes that he or she feels that he or she lacks.
all in all, i suppose, true crushes represent the ideal person we wish we could be.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
talking to myself
sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i wasn't such a chicken.
i wasn't always so timid: every boyfriend i've ever had was acquired through a brief and almost confrontational encounter.
"Hey, ___."
"Oh, hey, Vickie..."
"I heard you like me."
"Oh...wha-"
"Wanna be my boyfriend?"
"Okay."
things were so much easier when i was feigning straightness, and when i honestly didn't really care about what other people thought of me.
looking back, it's hard to pinpoint a specific reason as to why i started to build up these walls, or develop such a negative perception of myself.
in fact, i'm pretty sure Little Vickie would be less than approving of my current mental [and, probably, physical] condition.
here is how i imagine the conversation would go, if i was bffs with Dr. Emmett Brown:
Little Vickie: Wow.
Big Vickie: What?
LV: So I guess we're not really swimming anymore.
BV: ...That obvious?
LV: I have abs. You have rolls.
BV: Thanks, I hadn't noticed.
LV: Why aren't we swimming? I thought we had plans.
BV: We did. And then reality set in.
LV: How?
BV: Knee surgery -
LV: That kind of thing never stopped us before.
BV: - and teams were hard to come by in Mexico -
LV: We could've found a way.
BV: - and I was going through a hard time.
LV: You gave up.
BV: ...I gave up.
LV: Hm.
BV: [silence]
LV: And what about violin?
BV: I still practice...sometimes.
LV: No orchestra or Michelle Branch collaboration or anything?
BV: No - and we don't even like Michelle Branch anymore.
LV: Whaaat?
BV: She's in some country music thing now.
LV: Gross.
BV: Yeah.
LV: And do you perform or anything? Recitals?
BV: No.
LV: Why not?
BV: It's hard.
LV: It wasn't always hard. We got a standing ovation once.
BV: It stopped being fun.
LV: You let Mommy get to us.
BV: Something like that.
LV: You gave up again.
BV: ...I did.
LV: And are we out yet?
BV: You mean, gay-wise?
LV: What other "wise" could I mean?
BV: Yeah, we came out to everyone.
LV: Wow. Never thought we'd do that.
BV: Yeah.
LV: Do we still like you-know-who?
BV: Voldemort?
LV: Don't tell me what happens.
BV: You already kind of know.
LV: Don't! And anyway, not who I meant.
BV: Ah.
LV: Yeah.
BV: No, we've moved on.
LV: Ooo. Are we dating?
BV: Not exactly.
LV: What do you mean?
BV: We're open to the possibility, if other people are open to it, too.
LV: Why wouldn't other people be open to it?
BV: ...Look at us.
LV: You're stupid.
BV: That's probably one of the reasons, too.
LV: We were elected SCA President!
BV: ...And "Most Likely to Become Principal."
LV: Whatever. So we went through all that trouble to come out, after all those years of hiding, just to be single?
BV: How is it our fault that no one wants to be with us?
LV: Stupid.
BV: You've mentioned that.
LV: Did we give up on everything?
BV: No! We're writing a lot. And we're doing improv.
LV: Like comedy?
BV: Yeah, and we love it.
LV: Well that's something, at least. Never thought we'd do that.
BV: Yeah, I know.
LV: That's a little progress.
yeah, i'm not entirely sure if LV would approve of BV too much. lots of thing's've changed.
old goals out, new goals in.
really, though, as much as i might enjoy the idea of new liberties and independence, i can't help but wonder if it's too late to go back a little bit, or take a little bit of "back" with me.
i suppose it's a little silly to think that our younger selves were a little wiser than our current selves.
or more fearless.
if i'd just an ounce of the naive fearlessness and dreams i'd had when i was a little kid, i wonder where i'd be.
still though, it's dumb to regret things too much. probably a lot smarter to deal with the hand i was dealt.
or, perhaps more accurately, the hand i somehow chose to have.
i'm hardly past my prime, i think - or like to think - so i suppose it's never too late to re-imagine the life i'd like to have, or go about re-capturing some of the things i stupidly let go amiss.
it's probably about time i get over myself and start making changes, or go at least a little ways back to the things from my childhood that i envy.
sometimes growing up doesn't mean letting the little kid disappear.
i wasn't always so timid: every boyfriend i've ever had was acquired through a brief and almost confrontational encounter.
"Hey, ___."
"Oh, hey, Vickie..."
"I heard you like me."
"Oh...wha-"
"Wanna be my boyfriend?"
"Okay."
things were so much easier when i was feigning straightness, and when i honestly didn't really care about what other people thought of me.
looking back, it's hard to pinpoint a specific reason as to why i started to build up these walls, or develop such a negative perception of myself.
in fact, i'm pretty sure Little Vickie would be less than approving of my current mental [and, probably, physical] condition.
here is how i imagine the conversation would go, if i was bffs with Dr. Emmett Brown:
Little Vickie: Wow.
Big Vickie: What?
LV: So I guess we're not really swimming anymore.
BV: ...That obvious?
LV: I have abs. You have rolls.
BV: Thanks, I hadn't noticed.
LV: Why aren't we swimming? I thought we had plans.
BV: We did. And then reality set in.
LV: How?
BV: Knee surgery -
LV: That kind of thing never stopped us before.
BV: - and teams were hard to come by in Mexico -
LV: We could've found a way.
BV: - and I was going through a hard time.
LV: You gave up.
BV: ...I gave up.
LV: Hm.
BV: [silence]
LV: And what about violin?
BV: I still practice...sometimes.
LV: No orchestra or Michelle Branch collaboration or anything?
BV: No - and we don't even like Michelle Branch anymore.
LV: Whaaat?
BV: She's in some country music thing now.
LV: Gross.
BV: Yeah.
LV: And do you perform or anything? Recitals?
BV: No.
LV: Why not?
BV: It's hard.
LV: It wasn't always hard. We got a standing ovation once.
BV: It stopped being fun.
LV: You let Mommy get to us.
BV: Something like that.
LV: You gave up again.
BV: ...I did.
LV: And are we out yet?
BV: You mean, gay-wise?
LV: What other "wise" could I mean?
BV: Yeah, we came out to everyone.
LV: Wow. Never thought we'd do that.
BV: Yeah.
LV: Do we still like you-know-who?
BV: Voldemort?
LV: Don't tell me what happens.
BV: You already kind of know.
LV: Don't! And anyway, not who I meant.
BV: Ah.
LV: Yeah.
BV: No, we've moved on.
LV: Ooo. Are we dating?
BV: Not exactly.
LV: What do you mean?
BV: We're open to the possibility, if other people are open to it, too.
LV: Why wouldn't other people be open to it?
BV: ...Look at us.
LV: You're stupid.
BV: That's probably one of the reasons, too.
LV: We were elected SCA President!
BV: ...And "Most Likely to Become Principal."
LV: Whatever. So we went through all that trouble to come out, after all those years of hiding, just to be single?
BV: How is it our fault that no one wants to be with us?
LV: Stupid.
BV: You've mentioned that.
LV: Did we give up on everything?
BV: No! We're writing a lot. And we're doing improv.
LV: Like comedy?
BV: Yeah, and we love it.
LV: Well that's something, at least. Never thought we'd do that.
BV: Yeah, I know.
LV: That's a little progress.
yeah, i'm not entirely sure if LV would approve of BV too much. lots of thing's've changed.
old goals out, new goals in.
really, though, as much as i might enjoy the idea of new liberties and independence, i can't help but wonder if it's too late to go back a little bit, or take a little bit of "back" with me.
i suppose it's a little silly to think that our younger selves were a little wiser than our current selves.
or more fearless.
if i'd just an ounce of the naive fearlessness and dreams i'd had when i was a little kid, i wonder where i'd be.
still though, it's dumb to regret things too much. probably a lot smarter to deal with the hand i was dealt.
or, perhaps more accurately, the hand i somehow chose to have.
i'm hardly past my prime, i think - or like to think - so i suppose it's never too late to re-imagine the life i'd like to have, or go about re-capturing some of the things i stupidly let go amiss.
it's probably about time i get over myself and start making changes, or go at least a little ways back to the things from my childhood that i envy.
sometimes growing up doesn't mean letting the little kid disappear.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
the Vickie Hilton edition.
yep, that's right, looks like somebody's finally gotten their just desserts in the form of one knuckle sandwich!
don't get me wrong: i'm not one who condones violence for settling issues.
but nor do i condone douchebaggery for building a "career" and poorly representing the entire LGBT community.
because, let's face it, as much as members of the community know, firsthand, that Hilton is hardly representative of all of us, he's the first queer face most heteros associate with gayness.
the "Queen of All Media?"
pur-leez.
more like the jackass jester of the court who might occasionally do a decent job of entertaining, but, for the most part, shoots and fails and ends up making a complete ass of himself while attempting to take others down with him.
i think i'm definitely in favor of offering the title of "Queen of All Media" to Anderson Cooper instead.
that is, to someone with actual sense, intelligence, and overall human decency.
and proper grammar skills.
seriously, how can someone craft an entire career from feeding off of the misfortunes of others? or fabricating even worse misfortunes when a person's life just isn't dramatic enough?
an entire career built on hypocrisy, superficiality, and, on some level, cruelty and ridicule.
that being said, again, i'm all for using words rather than fists.
but NOT when that word is along the lines of "f*ggot."
in NO CONTEXT is the use of that word permissible.
not even - and especially - when the speaker is not only a member of the LGBT community, but also, unfortunately, a representative of it.
you wanna avoid physical violence and talk it out instead?
good for you, but don't fucking perpetuate negative stereotypes of a group of individuals who're already on the frontlines and fighting for positive legal and ideological acceptance.
don't make it okay to use that kind of language.
and don't expect to get away with it.
i'm not one who supports censorship of any kind, but when it comes to understanding the current cultural, social, and political climate associated with gay-straight relations, i can't help but wonder what possessed you to use that disgusting word and later claim that you were completely innocent.
i'm not justifying will.I.am's "fan's" actions at all. it's really unfortunate that the confrontation escalated so rapidly and under such poor circumstances - so both of you were in the wrong.
you shouldn't've been hit - maybe - but you also shouldn't be under the impression that that kind of behavior is acceptable.
given the already somewhat unstable and evolving image of the LGBT community, you should know better.
if you wanna use words instead of punches, use intelligent words.
you wanna sit down and compromise instead of lash out and attack, use patience.
and maybe if you afford people the right to their own privacy and positive image, instead of the negative tabloid bullshit you call "journalism," karma wouldn't come back and bite you in the ass.
or punch you in the face.
douche.
Friday, June 19, 2009
i've got [LGBT] issues.
i know the whole marriage thing is a big deal, but, in terms of my own life, it's also a pretty lofty goal.
i mean, lemme find a way to the altar first.
as of now, prospects are dim in that department for me, as i'm still very much dealing with some of the more immediate and somewhat traumatic, albeit smaller aspects of the gay agenda.
as such, i've compiled a list of just such aspects in an effort to call attention to certain things that don't get enough airplay when people talk about "LGBT Issues":
i mean, lemme find a way to the altar first.
as of now, prospects are dim in that department for me, as i'm still very much dealing with some of the more immediate and somewhat traumatic, albeit smaller aspects of the gay agenda.
as such, i've compiled a list of just such aspects in an effort to call attention to certain things that don't get enough airplay when people talk about "LGBT Issues":
- Ambiguity
i've been teased and doubted quite a bit since coming out for being less than flamboyant.
no, i don't rock the flannel or appreciate female facial hair with as much gusto or negligiance as some lesbians. blame the fact that, growing up, i was the only lesbian i knew of apart from Ellen (who i couldn't even really idolize because i feared that if my mom caught me just watching her show i'd be outed).
basically, i have no clue how to "act" like a lesbian, and, in all honesty, i'm pretty sure that kind of thing shouldn't matter.
i've been called an "Ally" more times in my life than i care to remember, and can only put at least some of the blame for my current spinster state on my alleged ambiguity.
and the fact that i tend to only get hit on by scary butch lesbians.
who, unfortunately, aren't really my type.
but life would be so much easier if they were.
in all honesty, i have no clue how to behave normally, let alone appropriately lesbian. but i will say that i'm waiting, impatiently, for the day when none of that will matter.
when i can openly express my love for things like My Fair Lady and Pride and Prejudice and maintain that i am still very much a big spoon. - Fashion
i guess this one ties in with the whole ambiguity thing, but it doesn't hurt to point it out a bit.
i just don't know how to dress myself.
when most people picture lesbians, i think they tend to envision either totally hipster types, or totally butch types.
with my lack of fashion sense and masculinity, i don't fit into either category.
i tend to think that my nerdiness takes precedence over my lesbianism, for whatever reason.
believe it or not, whenever i enter a social situation my first thought isn't, "Look at all these hott chicks!" - it's actually more along the lines of, "Hot DAMN I wish I wasn't such a weenie."
and my clothes, i think, go along with this: i throw on whatever's practical and comfortable because, honestly, i have to focus more on survival than attraction.
and it isn't until later that i wish i'd bought that shirt my sister recommended, or had better boobs, or cuter jeans, or an ounce of swagger.
which brings me to my next point: - Swagger
i don't even know what this is. i mean, i know what this means, and i certainly tend to be drawn towards people of a certain swagger, but i don't know how to go about getting it for myself.
i get the sneaking suspicion that this is something people're more or less born with.
and most people of the LGBT community, from what i've observed, have a certain 'tude that they always seem to know how to use to their advantage.
any and all visible LGBT individuals - at least, the ones on TV and in the movies - are more or less comfortable in their own skin and fit the identity to a T.
last week during improv workshop, i was told that i gravitate towards awkward characters and that i should learn to harness my inherent awkwardness.
up until that evening, i was under the impression that i didn't have a swagger - awkward or otherwise.
as such, i've resolved to make it my mission to understand and harness this awkwardness and maybe put forward a new kind of awkward, LGBT swagger.
cuz, honestly, i don't know how to go about doing the confident one. - Hobbies
i'm a terrible guitarist. when i picked up the guitar about a year ago, determined to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine, my sister Olivia pleaded that i don't become "one of those lesbians."
really, she had nothing to worry about. my clumsy hands are enough to prevent me from forming a lesbian folk-singing power duo.
and i can't sing.
and i'm not emo.
just self-deprecating.
moreover, i can't completely give up meat, and i can't really understand people who can.
it's the Korean and Dominican in me.
don't take away my bulgogi and kalbi and pastelitos and pork.
granted, i've become more or less "Pescatarian" as of late, but sometimes i can't help but slip up.
consider my efforts to eat less meat enough to satisfy this particular effort (even though i still feel slightly inadequate).
and i can't tell the difference between Monet and Manet - i'm somewhat culturally deficient.
i mean, i enjoy museum excursions and seeing all of the artwork and everything and appreciating, simply, the beauty of and effort put into everything, but the minute you ask me to recite, in detail, the aesthetic and cultural implications and contributions of everything we've just seen, you'll probably end up drawing a blank stare or an uncomfortable giggle.
but i can quote entire verses from George Carlin's routines, and recount my favorite parts of Chaplin films.
i can nerdily and unabashedly make Harry Potter and Star Wars references and make/blurt out the puns everyone else is too cool to point out.
i said once before that a secret turn-on for me is love for Jimmy Stewart, and i've really yet to find someone who fulfills this particular irrational request.
it makes me wonder if i should hold out for someone who could potentially enjoy or embody these kinds of things, or if i should throw in the towel and conform.
there's a lot of pressure out there for someone as clueless as i am. - Unrequited Love
this is probably my biggest beef with being both gay and human.
let me tell you: straight crushes are BS.
not the kind of BS that gets picked up occasionally by street cleaners or park rangers, but the kind that NEVER GOES AWAY.
it drops, festers, stinks up the whole damned place, and multiplies every time you try to sweep it under the rug or toss it away or hose it down.
the more you try to convince yourself that it's not something worth thinking about because of the unlikelihood of the desired outcome, the more you end up torturing yourself with incessant brooding over the fact that its resolution is so unlikely.
especially if you're in the closet and at the inevitably and irrevocably awkward and confusing stage of adolescence - when nothing seems to make any sense anyhow.
someone asked me recently if i've ever been in love. my immediate answer was a bitter, "No," but, later that night, i got to thinking:
if unrequited love counts as "being in love," then, in fact, i have. and the fact that i hadn't thought of it earlier surprised me, because this one phase of my life which wound up shaking me to my very core and eventually forced me to confront my sexuality head-on was one that i never thought i'd forget or doubt.
it was the kind of thing, though, that, in my memory, i denied as being "love," for the simple fact that even just the phrases "attracted to" and "liked" were enough to cause unwarranted pain and suffering.
(thank God i'm out.)
so i started to reminisce about this one person i knew and "liked," and really sat down to understand the nature of the "like":
the way i "liked" making her laugh more than anyone else because of how great and lovely her smile and laugh were;
the way even her coldest and bluntest comments could make me laugh;
how unassuming she was about her prettiness, strength, and wit -
all of which she had in excess.
and all of which made me reconsider the previous decade or so of my life when i could easily write off any attraction i had to other girls as misunderstood and overestimated "friend feelings."
because, i suppose, it ran deeper than that.
i couldn't stop thinking about her or the whole predicament altogether.
it hurt to see her, and it hurt to miss her.
and it hurt to know that she could never know about any of it because there was no possible way that it could make a difference.
and nobody could know.
and it was disarming.
and it was this part of the whole thing that made me question my own partaking of the love pie.
that what makes love, love isn't the possibility of its reciprocation, but the sheer fact that you can sit and appreciate something, or someone, for everything they're worth.
even if the other person isn't aware of it.
knowing that you potentially see something that nobody else sees.
that being said, being gay and clueless amidst a sea of predominantly hetero femme women isn't exactly the ideal circumstance someone in my bitterly single state wants to find herself.
as much as i enjoy the idea of seeing quiet beauty that no one else really sees, i think i'd like the idea of telling this beautiful person about it all directly and often much better.
it's why i came out of the closet, so that someday i could go around and be as openly sappy as i want.
and yet, though my chances of finding someone to be sappy with have increased drastically, i still find myself in a new closet.
the kind where i find myself either attracted to a straight girl or to someone who's way out of my league.
leagues that're predetermined by Ambiguity, Swagger, Hobbies, and Fashion.
but i suppose what i'm trying to say is that unrequited love doesn't discriminate against any one group.
and the world would be a much better place if everyone was bi.
and a little bit nerdy.
Monday, June 15, 2009
a big midsummer morning's update/catch-up, or i wish i was straight
i thought this summer was done in terms of new developments, but, clearly, i was wrong.
quick summary:
1. improv started up again, and i found out last week that, if i complete all 3 levels/classes at Comedysportz, there's a good chance that i'll be admitted into the Rec League and perform regularly. someday, i might even audition for other shows at the theatre.
2. i got accepted into the Cinema-Television Critical Studies program at USC's film school. at first, i thought that i wouldn't get in in the first place. after a little while, once i declared in Narrative Studies, i figured i'd turn down the offer of admission just to keep things simple and because, in some ways, the 2 majors overlapped. but now i figure, hey, i got into USC film school. i'm sticking with it. i'm hoping it'll help me with networking and whatnot, and if i focus on film in the CTCS program, i can focus more on theatre in the NS program.
3. i'm actually giving thought to grad school.
crazy, i know.
especially as, ages ago, i vowed never to stay in school longer than i have to.
but i figure now, as i have no real, concrete, stable career plans for the future, the best option would be to stall for as long as possible.
so, the list of top choices includes (in no particular order):
Northwestern University
NYU
Columbia University
UVA
USC
UCLA
U. Penn
Oxford University
Cambridge University
the last two are as unattainable, probably, as they are pretentious. but i figure, what the heck. might as well see.
plus, i'm pretty sure i want to live in the UK for at least a little bit at one point in my life.
4. i've resolved to not pine for anyone, and not make it my mission to find someone this year. i'll just let the chips fall where they may.
screw unrequited love.
bleh.
gay stuff:
i've been to a number of different gay-related marches and rallies.
i've never felt so blissfully gay in all my life. and i'm learning a lot:
homesickness:
all in all, this summer's going pretty well, apart from the homesickness.
my cousin Jack just graduated from high school and i had to miss the ceremony because i'm all the way across the country.
you never really realize how far away from home you are until something makes you wish you could click your heels and teleport.
that and the whole film school acceptance thing is the kind of thing i wanted to share with my family.
but oh well...there'll be other summers, i suppose.
i just wish i could've been there for Jack.
and all of my friends, especially as a couple of them seem to be going through a lot. i hate not being there for them.
but i suppose that's the biggest thing about growing up and being an adult, at last.
learning and fighting to stay in touch, surviving on your own, clinging on to family.
i honestly can't believe how old we're all getting.
i had a heart attack when i found out that a kid i'd known since middle school had gotten married and had a baby.
and another is engaged.
and another passed away.
it's crazy how much can happen in what feels like a small space of time.
but it's also weird to think that, with 365 days in the year, meaning 525600 minutes (thanks, Rent), we don't anticipate so many opportunities for change.
sappy, as always.
on that note, the meat and potatoes:
i don't like to think of myself as the kind who needs someone.
i read somewhere that children who grow up in homes where affection and positive co-dependency grow up with a healthy attitude towards relationships and open affection. in other words, kids who see their parents relate to each other in positive ways will grow up and relate to their own partner in positive ways.
let's just say that i didn't get a lot of that growing up.
and the consequences of this more distanced upbringing has become increasingly evident these past few months as my sisters and i - according to just about all of my friends - are finding ourselves facing much of the same issues in our love lives.
er, my theoretical love life. as, technically it's there, but, really, it's not because nothing's actually happening.
first, we don't know how to "read the signs." if someone's flirting with us, we just can't tell. i'm pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that none of us really sees herself worthy of that kind of attention.
who the heck would flirt with me, really?
crazy.
second, we don't know how to act on our feelings. for the most part, i sit and pine and suffer.
in other words, we're all a little bit timid.
...a lot timid.
sometimes i wish i could just get obnoxiously drunk and drunk dial the person i like. just for the sake of putting it all out there and getting it over with.
and, potentially, forgetting about it in the morning.
otherwise, i feel like i'm going to end up sitting in my lonely, empty apartment, pining away for girl after girl after girl.
suffering for my "art."
...of comedy.
i mean, i know that people find confidence and courage way more attractive than timidness and self-deprecation, but i can't help it.
i wish i could go back to my middle school days when i had the cojones to demand things rather than shyly ask for them.
when i strolled up to my now ex-boyfriend and told him to be my boyfriend because i knew he liked me.
seriously. where the heck has that kind of confidence gone?
i guess dealing with girls is a different issue, as now it could potentially "mean something."
and girls are ridiculously confusing and all about those implicit schemes and charms and whatever.
all of which i lack.
but, hot damn, i wish i was straight sometimes.
it would make so many things easier:
you'd think i'd be alright at dealing with women because i'm one, myself.
but, apparently, the unfortunate combination of God and my genes and upbringing ultimately denied me most of the necessary and typical female decoding skills.
FML.
but i suppose it's about time i try to turn a brighter leaf.
just be myself and be okay with the fact that all this means is that someday, that special someone's going to see past all of the timidness and break through all of the stupid walls i've inadvertently built up and stubbornly refuse to tear down too easily.
or be so forward that i really have no choice but to go along with it.
at least i'll be with someone.
all's i knows is, i'm tired of pining. and i'm tired of not feeling good enough for anyone.
it's about time i stop trying so hard and let the ladies come to me.
(PLEASE come to me!)
quick summary:
1. improv started up again, and i found out last week that, if i complete all 3 levels/classes at Comedysportz, there's a good chance that i'll be admitted into the Rec League and perform regularly. someday, i might even audition for other shows at the theatre.
2. i got accepted into the Cinema-Television Critical Studies program at USC's film school. at first, i thought that i wouldn't get in in the first place. after a little while, once i declared in Narrative Studies, i figured i'd turn down the offer of admission just to keep things simple and because, in some ways, the 2 majors overlapped. but now i figure, hey, i got into USC film school. i'm sticking with it. i'm hoping it'll help me with networking and whatnot, and if i focus on film in the CTCS program, i can focus more on theatre in the NS program.
3. i'm actually giving thought to grad school.
crazy, i know.
especially as, ages ago, i vowed never to stay in school longer than i have to.
but i figure now, as i have no real, concrete, stable career plans for the future, the best option would be to stall for as long as possible.
so, the list of top choices includes (in no particular order):
Northwestern University
NYU
Columbia University
UVA
USC
UCLA
U. Penn
Oxford University
Cambridge University
the last two are as unattainable, probably, as they are pretentious. but i figure, what the heck. might as well see.
plus, i'm pretty sure i want to live in the UK for at least a little bit at one point in my life.
4. i've resolved to not pine for anyone, and not make it my mission to find someone this year. i'll just let the chips fall where they may.
screw unrequited love.
bleh.
gay stuff:
i've been to a number of different gay-related marches and rallies.
i've never felt so blissfully gay in all my life. and i'm learning a lot:
- the only single lesbians are unbelievably butch and scary.
- the only femme lesbians are either taken by an unbelievably butch lesbian, or another femme, or is too good for me.
- i don't know if i'm butch or femme.
- i've been told that i'm much more femme than i think.
- bah.
- my gaydar only seems to work on men.
- that or men are just that much easier to detect.
- only the coolest straight people are allies.
- and break my heart.
- homos like to march.
- and chant.
- and rant.
- and dance.
- and paint their boobs.
homesickness:
all in all, this summer's going pretty well, apart from the homesickness.
my cousin Jack just graduated from high school and i had to miss the ceremony because i'm all the way across the country.
you never really realize how far away from home you are until something makes you wish you could click your heels and teleport.
that and the whole film school acceptance thing is the kind of thing i wanted to share with my family.
but oh well...there'll be other summers, i suppose.
i just wish i could've been there for Jack.
and all of my friends, especially as a couple of them seem to be going through a lot. i hate not being there for them.
but i suppose that's the biggest thing about growing up and being an adult, at last.
learning and fighting to stay in touch, surviving on your own, clinging on to family.
i honestly can't believe how old we're all getting.
i had a heart attack when i found out that a kid i'd known since middle school had gotten married and had a baby.
and another is engaged.
and another passed away.
it's crazy how much can happen in what feels like a small space of time.
but it's also weird to think that, with 365 days in the year, meaning 525600 minutes (thanks, Rent), we don't anticipate so many opportunities for change.
sappy, as always.
on that note, the meat and potatoes:
i don't like to think of myself as the kind who needs someone.
i read somewhere that children who grow up in homes where affection and positive co-dependency grow up with a healthy attitude towards relationships and open affection. in other words, kids who see their parents relate to each other in positive ways will grow up and relate to their own partner in positive ways.
let's just say that i didn't get a lot of that growing up.
and the consequences of this more distanced upbringing has become increasingly evident these past few months as my sisters and i - according to just about all of my friends - are finding ourselves facing much of the same issues in our love lives.
er, my theoretical love life. as, technically it's there, but, really, it's not because nothing's actually happening.
first, we don't know how to "read the signs." if someone's flirting with us, we just can't tell. i'm pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that none of us really sees herself worthy of that kind of attention.
who the heck would flirt with me, really?
crazy.
second, we don't know how to act on our feelings. for the most part, i sit and pine and suffer.
in other words, we're all a little bit timid.
...a lot timid.
sometimes i wish i could just get obnoxiously drunk and drunk dial the person i like. just for the sake of putting it all out there and getting it over with.
and, potentially, forgetting about it in the morning.
otherwise, i feel like i'm going to end up sitting in my lonely, empty apartment, pining away for girl after girl after girl.
suffering for my "art."
...of comedy.
i mean, i know that people find confidence and courage way more attractive than timidness and self-deprecation, but i can't help it.
i wish i could go back to my middle school days when i had the cojones to demand things rather than shyly ask for them.
when i strolled up to my now ex-boyfriend and told him to be my boyfriend because i knew he liked me.
seriously. where the heck has that kind of confidence gone?
i guess dealing with girls is a different issue, as now it could potentially "mean something."
and girls are ridiculously confusing and all about those implicit schemes and charms and whatever.
all of which i lack.
but, hot damn, i wish i was straight sometimes.
it would make so many things easier:
- sex. none of that confusing canoodling business.
- flirting, as men are easier to please and way more straightforward.
- ...and what else would one need?
you'd think i'd be alright at dealing with women because i'm one, myself.
but, apparently, the unfortunate combination of God and my genes and upbringing ultimately denied me most of the necessary and typical female decoding skills.
FML.
but i suppose it's about time i try to turn a brighter leaf.
just be myself and be okay with the fact that all this means is that someday, that special someone's going to see past all of the timidness and break through all of the stupid walls i've inadvertently built up and stubbornly refuse to tear down too easily.
or be so forward that i really have no choice but to go along with it.
at least i'll be with someone.
all's i knows is, i'm tired of pining. and i'm tired of not feeling good enough for anyone.
it's about time i stop trying so hard and let the ladies come to me.
(PLEASE come to me!)
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