coming out, among other things

so from the title, as well as from various obscure hints i've littered throughout previous posts, i'm pretty sure you know what this is about.

i've recently made the decision to be way more open about my sexuality - which is hilarious, especially if you know me, because most of my friends think i'm a-sexual.

unfortunately, i'm not a-sexual. in fact, i'm gay. i use "unfortunately" because, if anything, i think telling people that i'm not attracted to anyone is a heck of a lot easier than telling them i'm gay. such is the world in which we live.

for some of you who might be reading this, this might come as a surprise - whether or not that surprise is pleasant isn't my concern.

in fact, i'm not going to use this blog to defend myself or homosexuality, because a.) it won't accomplish anything and b.) i don't want to bore you. this blog, as its name suggests, is for me.

what i will say is that it wasn't a choice for me. i can't remember a time when i didn't have these feelings. my first crush was on a female classmate in pre-school who, after seeing me accidentally screw up an arts and crafts project, came over and cheered me up.

i didn't know that what i was feeling had a label, and i definitely didn't know that general society frowned upon said label. all i knew was that i liked her and there was nothing i could do about it.

it wasn't until a few years and a few other girl-crushes later that i learned the name for my "condition." my sister Olivia had overheard our parents arguing over my sexuality - i was 7 and my mom had told my dad that she was sure i was gay. my dad denied it and said i was just a tomboy. in analyzing Olivia's account of the discussion, i came to the conclusion that my feelings towards other girls were wrong and i should change. so over the next almost-decade-long period of my life i tried everything to not only repress these feelings, but to overcome them completely.

the result? eight years of unbearable exhaustion stemming from unhappiness and self-hatred.

i tried dating boys to convince myself to be attracted to them. as much as i may have really cared about them, i couldn't bring myself to harbor any feelings beyond those of friendship.

i followed in my dad's footsteps and declared myself an outright conservative, reading conservative literature that degraded homosexuality and anything that deviated from the norm. and though i tried to take them to heart, knowing that my efforts at dating boys were failing only inspired more self-hatred.

finally, i read the Bible, thinking that if anyone could "save" me, it would be God. i was looking for any passage that would blatantly tell me that homosexuality is wrong. i was looking for whatever message Westboro Church members had found - that "God hates f**s." ironically enough, even though there are a few mentions of the wrongness of homosexuality, i never found any words of hatred or intolerance. what i found were words that inspire self-acceptance and love. ultimately, the purpose of the Bible isn't to set down laws by which individuals must abide. instead, i found that the Bible's purpose, or God's purpose, is to inspire individuals to love wholly and unconditionally, regardless of any insignificant qualities or imperfections others might possess. and, perhaps most importantly, in order to be able to love others, one must be able to love and accept oneself.

a few months after reading the Bible (when i was 15), i came out for the very first time to my sister Olivia. and it was probably the greatest relief i'd ever experienced. a couple of months after that, i came out to my other sister Annie.

so you might be wondering why i've chosen to come clean about this now. well, i guess the real question is why didn't i do it earlier? it was mostly fear. and this feeling that coming out and saying it could possibly make it finite, and for the longest time, even after coming out to my sisters, the idea of cementing my sexuality in point-blank fact was intimidating. if anything, i was worried about what my friends would say and how they would feel. i was worried about how they would think of and treat me.

but now, after coming out to several other people, i've come to realize that i have truly amazing, supportive, non-judgmental friends. also, that i shouldn't worry about what others think - that i should never have to compromise who i am for the sake of who others think i should be.

so now i'm out. but no worries, i won't be one of those scary, tattooed, mullet-and-tapered-jeans-wearing lesbians. i'm still the same old sometimes-ridiculous, usually-nerdy, mom-impersonating vickie, and i hope you will be able to see and acknowledge that.

if you're surprised by any of this and have questions, i'm completely open to answering anything you want to ask. unless you're asking me to defend myself. in which case, it's a lost cause. for you, i mean.

if you've known all along because i told you, thank you so much for arming me with the confidence to be myself. i love you so much.

next time i promise i'll write a way more entertaining blog.

PS
my parents don't know yet, and i'm planning on telling them over summer break, so if those of you who know my parents, or whose parents know my parents, could keep it on the DL, that'd be great - i mean, i know it's a lot to ask, but i just think this is the kind of thing my parents should find out from me. thanks!