a random musing and more good music

so i remembered. or i got bored. either way, i'm back with more blogging action for you.

as this is the last week of classes before winter break and the final stretch of the school year is on the too-near horizon, lots of random thoughts, worries, and fears have started to spring up (as is custom when things come to a close). so, below is a random musing that resulted from said thoughts, worries, and fears. it's actually pretty ambiguous, as my random musings tend to be, but nonetheless thoughtful, worrisome, and scary. at least for me.

afterwards, in case i put you in a dull mood, there is yet another list of more of my favorite albums that previously, in my hurry/negligence, went unmentioned. so here we go.

on to the musing:
so i pretty much have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. i used to think it was set in stone and that i was going to go into screenwriting or film production, but trying to imagine myself twenty years from now i really have no idea if it's right for me.

i totally envy people my age who "know." i want so badly to have that passion for doing something - that security in knowing that there's something out there that's right and fits and is enjoyable. sometimes i wonder if i'm passionless for a reason and if this phase of passionless wanderings'll ever end. when it comes down to it, i just can't picture myself doing anything specific or making any progress in twenty years.

nearly all of my peers here have already settled on majors and terrifyingly detailed outlines of the next 10 some-odd years of their lives. am i a freak for not knowing? everyone keeps telling me i have time, but as i have to declare a major by the end of next year, i'm pretty sure everyone's exaggerating.

maybe the trouble is i want to do too much? that i can't decide? that i'm just swimming in a mess of unrelated interests, goals, and unexamined-yet-nonetheless-apparent fantasies?

or maybe i'm just completely apathetic? incapable of being independent?

i know that i want it to be meaningful. but who doesn't feel that way?

and i know that i want it to be creative. but how does that narrow it down?

and then the question becomes, "what am i good at?" - something that i've never believed should decide what someone does for the rest of his/her life. moreover, i've never really felt particularly good at anything. i've always felt like the poster child for mediocrity.

then it's, "what's easiest?" - something that i think counts for even less. but so many people here have partially based their decisions on a mixture of what comes easiest to them and the easiness of the course offerings. but i don't know if "easy" necessarily means "rewarding."

which means that i know that i want what i do to be challenging.

ultimately, the question is, "what do you enjoy to do most?" and here is where i get confused.

i love being part of a completely creative process and being able to see, hear, and touch the final product and have others see, hear, or touch it, too. i love the idea of working with other people to create and i love the idea of other people enjoying the final product.

the problem is that other questions come into play. am i really so confident in my own creative abilities that i can create something and willingly put it up for judgment/other people's eyes? or am i too afraid of failure? i guess everyone's afraid of failure, but then most of those people have the confidence in what they're doing to know that they won't fail. but i've never been tested. i've never been able to take that first step and create something that's all my own and present it to others. the very idea of standing in front of a group of people scares me, so how would i take negative criticism targeted towards something into which i poured my heart and soul?

so you see my dilemma. i'm a dreamer who's caught up in negative realities. i guess you can't be a "nightmarer."

i want to create but i don't know what or how and, worse, i don't know if i even have the courage to share my creations with others. what's an artist if no one sees her art?

if i lived in a perfect world, where i lacked any unnecessary inhibitions that currently seem to take charge of my life, i have an idea of what i'd like to do.

i'd get up on stage and make people laugh. or i'd write things for people who get up on stage and laugh.

or i might get behind a camera or sit in the cutting room for the next "important film."

or i'd sit in a recording studio, producing an album.

or i could do all four. again, if i lived in a perfect world, i'd be immersed in creativity.

but the reality of the situation is that i'm too unsure of myself and too aware of all of the negative consequences of wanting to create in a world like ours.

which is why i'm taking a music theory class, a screenwriting class, and an intro to acting class next semester.

maybe if i try to break down those walls now i'll stand a better chance of coming into my own and losing that fear of being "read?"

wow. i feel like i just finished a mile run and took a first sip of a cold cup of water.

so, on to the once-neglected-but-still-loved music (again not in order of preference. and maybe i'll keep this "picking faves" thing a weekly blog staple):

Abbey Road - The Beatles
cuz who doesn't like The Beatles? i actually only picked this one to list because it came first, alphabetically. also, Something is pretty much one of the most romantic things you can say to a woman. Help! is also great, as are Magical Mystery Tour, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and the White Album.

At War With the Mystics - The Flaming Lips
they're just a really fun band, and this album is probably the best example of that. i challenge you to listen to this album without tapping your foot once. try it. i dare you.

Boxer - The National
i actually didn't know about The National until i read my sister Olivia's blog where she talked about listening to one of their songs as a guilty pleasure. when i went to see what it was all about (the alleged guilty pleasure, i mean) i found that i didn't feel the same way. in no way was i guilty about liking just about every song on this record. on the other hand, i do feel guilty about finding out about them so late.

she called it a guilty pleasure because of the allegedly high amounts of sappiness of the lyrics in Slow Show. what can i say? the heart wants what it wants. i'm a closet romantic. big spoons need love, too.

Brett Dennen - Brett Dennen
the first song of his that i heard is called Desert Sunrise. there could be no better title for that song. his lyrics aren't as complex as others. in fact, they tend to be very simple. but this simplicity doesn't make his lyrics mundane - just honest and straightforward. and i love that honesty.

Challengers - The New Pornographers
the first song of theirs i ever heard was Slow Descent Into Alcoholism. i was hooked. and to my pleasant surprise, i found that Challengers was even better than Electric Version. i just love unconventional arrangements and sometimes unexpectedly poignant or witty (or both) lyrics. Twin Cinema and Mass Romantic are also great.

Chelsea Girl - Nico
i listen to These Days whenever i'm feeling particularly blue or thoughtful. she just seems to say all the things i want to say but can never think of the right words. she's not afraid of expressing her uncertainty of the world, and i tend to admire that particular brand of courage in people.

Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
so i think i have a crush on Norah Jones. who wouldn't? i think that if my life was a movie and it came to a particularly romantic part (i can dream, right?), a Norah Jones song would be playing in the background. specifically, either The Long Day Is Over or The Nearness of You. and i love that the warmth in her voice can just fill me up. the only downside is that sometimes listening to this album only reminds me of the fact that i have no one who'll Come Away With Me. (long, deep sigh)

The End of History - Fionn Regan
i have a soft spot for acoustic music. i'm not sure why, but i think it's something to do with the fact that i just feel like i can relate to it more. it feels more personal. also, there's something about his voice that just adds to the intimacy you feel with the guitar.

Flight of the Flynns - Kunek
so easy to start listening to this album and forget that you're supposed to be writing a college paper...

Food In the Belly - Xavier Rudd
unforgivably catchy and, again, acoustic. he also has a really interesting voice that i can never seem to get enough of.

I'm Wide Awake It's Morning - Bright Eyes
i was actually shamefully late when it came to Bright Eyes, having only jumped on board earlier this year. i love his unconventional voice that sometimes doesn't even seem like it's singing. and i just overall love the arrangements and the fact that i can't get some of the songs out of my head.

Inside In / Inside Out - The Kooks
i wouldn't go so far as to call this a guilty pleasure...but okay, maybe i will. it's a typical poppy, british-punk type indie band. sue me.

Once - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
this is actually the soundtrack of the movie of the same name that came out this year. i never saw the movie, but i think the soundtrack's amazing. there are moments of complete vulnerability and others of just complete anger. i love that he's able to just lose it during an acoustic piece. it's not something you hear every day, and it's definitely commendable. The Swell Season is also great.

Oracular Spectacular - MGMT
i tend to be partial to experimental-type music. also, music that seem to be able to get stuck in your head with little effort.

Time Without Consequence - Alexi Murdoch
when i re-went through my itunes, i could NOT believe i forgot to include this one. it's unbelievable. and it shares my insecurities about life and all that jazz. lyrics from All My Days:

well many a night i found myself with no friends standing near
all of my days
i cried aloud
i shook my hands
what am i doing here
all of these days

for i look around me
and my eyes confound me

and it's just too bright
as the days keep turning into night

Trouble - Ray LaMontagne
the man's bringing soul back. i just love his soft yet soulful voice. it's unique and captivating. Till the Sun Turns Black is just about equally great.

so that's it for albums (at least, until i discover a new one, or i realize i left one out). so, so long for now...

golden globe predictions

so this isn't a "deep" or "insightful" blog. just how i think the golden globes are going to turn out.

granted, i haven't seen quite a few of the movies that're nominated, but given the films' reputations and the elitist/predictable behavior of the golden globes/critics, i think i can come up with a relatively accurate list of shoe-ins/winners (for the film part). so here we go:

best motion picture - drama
probably either Eastern Promises or No Country for Old Men. i'm leaning towards the latter, but who knows? for some odd reason Eastern Promises (which looks like a Russian twist on A History of Violence) has been getting a ton of attention and critical acclaim.

best motion picture - musical or comedy
i'm hoping for Juno, but Sweeney Todd's been getting a lot of attention. i'm thinking it'll go to Juno, the little indie that could. but that could just be wishful thinking. given Tim Burton's reputation and already well-established career, it might just shut Juno out.

best performance by an actor in a motion picture - drama
either George Clooney or Viggo Mortensen. probably George Clooney.

best performance by an actress in a motion picture - drama
this one's tough - as far as i know, there hasn't been a real standout performance in this category. i'm leaning towards either Cate Blanchett or Julie Christie. it'll probably go to Julie Christie, given the horrible reviews Blanchett's film received.

best performance by an actor in a motion picture - musical or comedy
i actually really hate that drama gets its own category while musical or comedy are grouped together. really says something about how the critics prioritize. in my opinion, comedy is just as commendable as drama when done correctly/effectively. but whatever. i think this one's going to go to either Ryan Gosling or Johnny Depp. as Johnny Depp did his own singing and everything, it'll probably go to him. although, Charlie Wilson's War is controversial and whatever, so Tom Hanks might very well stand a chance. in other words, i have no real idea...just a guesstimation.

best performance by an actress in a motion picture - musical or comedy
Marion Cotillard. i mean, i'm totally rooting for Ellen Page, but as La Vie En Rose is far more dramatic than Juno, and as the critics tend to favor drama for really idiotic reasons, i'm thinking the globe'll go to Cotillard. not that she doesn't deserve it, but i really do think Page unceremoniously and unapologetically kicked ass as Juno. but whatever.

best performance by an actor in a supporting role in a motion picture
either Casey Affleck or Javier Bardem. No Country for Old Men was given way more clout than The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, so Bardem might have an edge, but Affleck's performance was supposed to be something of a revelation.

best performance by an actress in a supporting role in a motion picture
(have you noticed that they split up musical and comedy and drama for everything else except supporting roles?) either Cate Blanchett or Amy Ryan. it'll probably go to Cate Blanchett just because she, you know, played a dude.

best director - motion picture
(they also don't split this award up. way to go.) Julian Schnabel could very well be the dark horse in this race, as The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is supposed to be amazing (it's on my films-to-see list), however the Coens could very well be the shoe-in.

best screenplay - motion picture
either The Diving Bell and the Butterfly or Juno. i'm thinking/hoping for Juno. this is the year of the unexpected indie.

best original song - motion picture
Enchanted. just because.

best original score - motion picture
Atonement by Dario Marianelli. this guy's a genius. if i ever compose music, i hope to have half his genius/talent. it's been getting rave reviews because of his use of the typewriter as an instrument. definitely no competition here.

best animated film
ratatouille. because it's snooty. and also, Pixar.

best foreign language film
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly or Se Jie.


and that's it! maybe i'll post again within the next couple of days with something more personal...

or maybe i'll forget...

good music and lessons learned

so it's been a few days, but i'm back.

the past few days proved to be pretty hectic what with 3 college papers to write, water polo practice, and endless bouts of procrastination (if it was possible to get a degree in procrastination, i would never graduate - wacka wacka). however, as it's friday, and as i have a 5 day weekend before finals start, i decided to present you with a couple of random lists.

lately i've been obsessively playing the sims 2 and reorganizing my itunes in an effort to avoid all college-y responsibilities. in doing so, i managed to find and delete a bunch of songs i don't listen to anymore and discover new music or re-fall in love with music that has gone un-listened to for way too long. the experience is kind of like the one you have when you're cleaning out your room and uncover a bunch of things you loved and still find you're unwilling to let go. i'm a pack rat and addict of the past. so i figured i'd share with you a list of some albums that trigger all sorts of memories, thoughts, and feelings. maybe you'll appreciate them, too.

they're not in order of preference or anything - at first i thought i'd do, like, a top 10 thing, but in the end it felt like picking favorite children so i decided to just alphabetized them:

Back to Black - Amy Winehouse
i haven't yet had the pleasure of falling in love and having my heart unceremoniously broken - in fact, any love i've experienced has been unnoticed and unrequited altogether. coincidentally, Winehouse's album is all about the throes of unrequited love and heartbreak. i don't know how to sing, but something tells me that if my "soul" (har har) had a voice, it would sound something like Amy Winehouse (at least, it would in my imagination). there's something about her voice that brings 50s soul into mind, but there's still something completely and inherently original, honest, and morose that just grabs you and never lets you go.

The Best Party Ever - The Boy Least Likely To
two words: misleadingly cute. so the tunes make your head bob, but when you're singing along to this music you'll probably catch yourself saying something unexpectedly mature - kind of like that "sky rocket in flight" thing. but all of the songs are totally catchy and you can't help but keep listening.

Blue - Joni Mitchell
honestly, who dislikes Joni Mitchell? something about the warmth and vulnerability in her voice and the lyrics she sings makes me feel warm and vulnerable, too. and sometimes there's no better feeling than just letting go. River.

Blue Horse - The Be Good Tanyas
this is going to sound strange, but sometimes i just like listening to people's voices. i love the lead singers' voices and i love the way the voices blend with the simplistic melodies carried by banjo, guitar, subtle percussion, and strings. there's nothing like a good ol' folk song to take things down a notch. i could definitely listen to this album over and over again.

The Clarence Greenwood Recordings - Citizen Cope
socially conscious, complex, expressive, beautiful. i usually can't listen to this album all the way through in one sitting because there's one point where it becomes overwhelming. but i do like to return to it from time to time.

The Con - Tegan and Sara
the moment i heard Where Does the Good Go (i was 15 and it was in a birthday mix my oldest sister made for me) i knew i was in for a long and devoted love affair. when The Con came out this summer and i saw them perform over Thanksgiving break in DC my love for them/their music was reaffirmed. there's something so captivating about how willing they are to be completely open and expressive. there's definitely something admirable in being able to unapologetically place yourself in the hands of the audience. from the interesting, unexpected arrangement of parts to the revealing yet personal lyrics and messages of their songs i just can't help but keep listening to this entire album over and over again. and their other albums, for that matter. WDTGG; Soil, Soil; Like O, Like H; Nineteen; Monday Monday Monday; Not Tonight; When I Get Up. (obviously some of these aren't from The Con...i couldn't help it. sue me.)

Dookie - Green Day
i heard this for the first time when i was 10. i didn't get it. but when i listened to it again at the age of 15, i listened to it again, and again, and again. it's such a fun, energetic album from a great band.
She, When I Come Around, Basketcase, and Longview are probably the highlights of this album. (Nimrod is also great)

Futuresex / Lovesounds - Justin Timberlake
unexpected, eh? i can't help it. i don't usually talk like this, but this album "turns me on." and also makes me wish i could dance like JT. he's probably the only man i'd ever be willing to "lovestone."

How to Save a Life - The Fray
each of the songs on this album has gotten stuck in my head at least once. and that's all i have to say. about that.

Is This It - The Strokes
just simple, catchy, toe-tapping rock. Room on Fire and First Impressions of Earth are also awesome.

Jagged Little Pill - Alanis Morissette
yeah, major throwback. my older sisters pretty much raised me on this stuff. most girls grew up listening to the Backstreet Boys - but me? thanks to my sisters, i grew up listening to Alanis, [old school, good] Jewel, Tracy Chapman, and Green Day. and occasionally the Spice Girls, just to stir things up. but what can i say? i love me some Alanis, and all of her songs, completely devoid of her questionable flute and/or harmonica playing, have really great, uplifting, empowering messages. that and listening to her reminds me of those times when my sisters and i reenacted the Ironic music video while in the car - which always makes me smile.

Joyful Rebellion - K-OS
makes me dance in my seat/nod my head to the beat. and the fact that it makes me dance at all is saying something. Crabbucket, The Love Song, and Rise Like the Sun stand out. Exit and Atlantis are also great.

The Mysterious Production of Eggs - Andrew Bird
i'll always have a soft spot for bands that excessively use violins. in fact, the arrangements for all of the songs really struck me. the first song of his that i heard is called Imitosis (which is actually on a different album - Armchair Apocrypha - which is equally amazing) and it was love at first listen. it's experimental and pretty strange in some parts, but i like the quirkiness. it's listening to music like this that makes me want to pursue a career in music composition. (A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left is my favorite song off of this album)

Riot On An Empty Street - Kings of Convenience
sometimes haunting, sometimes romantic, sometimes you just stop and let it fill you up. Cayman Islands and Homesick are definite highlights.

Say I Am You - The Weepies
they're called "the weepies," but every time i listen to them i smile. again, simple and beautiful melodies with way complex themes.

The Stranger - Billy Joel
my parents played this a lot when i was little, so, apart from it being a really great rock record that makes me wish i knew how to play the piano (and also sing), this is mainly here for sentimental reasons.

Takk... - Sigur Ros
weird/random fact: their name is icelandic for "Victory Rose." this is random/weird because my first and middle names are Victoria and Rose, respectively. what's also weird is that i don't understand a word of what the guy's singing, but i'm still hooked. experimental, and it utilizes a bunch of beautifully strange melodies and arrangements sometimes it's hard to believe it's just a band of 3 guys. the words are icelandic, but the actual music is universal. sometimes when i listen to this album it feels like drinking a hot cup of cocoa after being out in the snow for awhile. it just spreads all the way out to my fingertips.

Teaser and the Firecat - Cat Stevens
also here for sentimental reasons. i like to listen to this when i'm alone in my room and feeling particularly thoughtful. also, How Can I Tell You is possibly one of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman
i'm not one to be superficial, but this music makes me feel "deep."

We Were Here - Joshua Radin
i first fell in love with his music when i accidentally came across Star Mile online. my mom listened to Simon & Garfunkel when my sisters and i were younger because a.) they're her favorite band and b.) she needed a way to learn/practice her English. something about his soft voice, particularly in Star Mile, took me back to Simon & Garfunkel, so i was immediately hooked. when i heard the rest of the album i wasn't disappointed. Star Mile and Sundrenched World.

Words Are Dead - Horse Feathers
more great folk music. i love the kind of music that's not "catchy" enough to get stuck in your head but still manages to linger there for awhile. also, i'm partial to music that uses interesting/unconventional string arrangements. Finch On Saturday and Blood On the Snow are highlights.

You Forgot It In People - Broken Social Scene
i joined the bandwagon. i love that, even though the lyrics are spare and simple, i feel like i still understand what they're trying to "say." i also have a weakness for "experimental" kind of music. i could listen to Pitter Patter Goes My Heart pretty much all day long.

so there it is. my all-time favorite albums up to this point. 22 of them. enjoy. i hope.

also, as i promised you a second, random list, i was thinking back on my experiences of the past few months and decided to present to you a compilation of important lessons learned:

1. when completely disoriented after getting only 2 and a half hours of sleep (because of yet another paper you left until the last minute to do), do NOT attempt to get out of one of those tricky desk/chair combinations to hand in said paper. especially when you're sitting in the very front of the class. all that will happen is that you will lose your balance, tip the desk forward, nearly fall on your face, and turn a bright shade of magenta while simultaneously exposing part of your underwear because that morning, due to your complete disorientation, you forgot to wear a belt.

2. when meeting the two frontwomen of one of your favorite bands after a concert and in the middle of a cold, DC night, remember to wipe your nose before approaching them. otherwise, while you're nervously avoiding eye contact, cracking your voice, shaking, and asking for an autograph, all you will be able to recall afterwards is that suspiciously cold, wet feeling that seemed to stem from your right nostril until, as you were walking away from said frontwomen, you wiped it on the sleeve of your black pea-coat. and you'll wonder for the rest of your life if either of the frontwomen, who seemed nice enough to not mention it or your awkward behavior, noticed.

...

they probably did. dammit.

3. while being nerdy and listening to orchestral music on your ipod, do not make the mistake of forgetting you're in public and do that weird, fake-conducting thing you tend to do with one hand when you're alone. the passersby will give you funny looks and probably wonder if you're either a.) crazy or b.) making some kind of foreign, obscene gesture towards them.

4. when asked to stop by a Green Peace member on the way back to your dorm after class, say NO. do NOT make the mistake of choking on the word "No" so that, instead of the word coming out with as much conviction as you intended to give it, it sounds like an affirmative series of grunts that said Green Peace member takes to mean "yes." all that will happen is that you will have to stop and listen to these people ask for donations you do not have the authorization or money to make. more than once. in the same day.

5. when narrating random possible short stories in your head, do not make the mistake of forgetting you're in public. same consequences as expressed in #3.

6. while at water polo practice, do not make the mistake of letting other people know that you're too afraid to get violent/aggressive. they will take advantage of this and bruise, tease, and almost drown you. especially the short one, with the napoleonic complex.

7. do not share with your older sister the fact that you like cuddling and being the big spoon. she will make you blush by giving you an overlong, "awwwwwwwww" and teasing you for your unexpected "soft side."

and that's about it. really helpful tips, i hope.

inaugural post

my sister, Annie, who decided to blow off the States for brighter days in Japan, suggested i start this blog so that she can keep up with my oh-so-fascinating-but-not-really-but-i'm-kind-of-optimistic life. i was kind of reluctant about starting a blog - mainly because previous attempts ended only in the reassertion of my inability to commit and/or remember that i started a blog in the first place - but eventually i decided that facebook was beginning to lose its nicotine-esque flavor and myspace has led too many peers to tragic ends or weirdly "romantic" internet relationships (also, i keep getting friend requests from half-naked women i've never met with names like "Candy" or "Vixen"). as such, i needed a new way to procrastinate on my annoying piles of college papers. so here i am. i'm not entirely sure if this blog will have one unifying theme. for the most part, i'll probably post random thoughts about random things for no real purpose at all except to pass the time or vent. in terms of my "style" (because i guess each blogger has to have a signature "style"), i like making lists. sometimes they'll be incoherent to the point where you'll wonder why you read all the way to number 10, even though 1-9 didn't seem to make much sense in the first place. but hopefully this blog thing'll work as a remedy to your boredom as it will to mine (as i'm sure we were both brought here for the same reason). sometimes i'll just rant about things like movies i've seen, albums i've listened to, people i've met, places i've been, or just crazy thoughts.

so that's pretty much it for this evening. hopefully like a reformed ex who was ousted for her lack of reliability i'll learn to commit to writing/posting for this blog.

not that i've ever been ousted for commitment-phobia or a lack of reliability.

...

(also, i'm secretly hoping enough people will read this so i can be one of those famous-for-no-real-reason kind of celebrities. like perez (though admittedly not as mean. or wildly unattractive. or ridiculous.). so i can drop out of college and make millions and eventually take over the entertainment industry. hey, it worked for one gay, right?)