i mean, lemme find a way to the altar first.
as of now, prospects are dim in that department for me, as i'm still very much dealing with some of the more immediate and somewhat traumatic, albeit smaller aspects of the gay agenda.
as such, i've compiled a list of just such aspects in an effort to call attention to certain things that don't get enough airplay when people talk about "LGBT Issues":
- Ambiguity
i've been teased and doubted quite a bit since coming out for being less than flamboyant.
no, i don't rock the flannel or appreciate female facial hair with as much gusto or negligiance as some lesbians. blame the fact that, growing up, i was the only lesbian i knew of apart from Ellen (who i couldn't even really idolize because i feared that if my mom caught me just watching her show i'd be outed).
basically, i have no clue how to "act" like a lesbian, and, in all honesty, i'm pretty sure that kind of thing shouldn't matter.
i've been called an "Ally" more times in my life than i care to remember, and can only put at least some of the blame for my current spinster state on my alleged ambiguity.
and the fact that i tend to only get hit on by scary butch lesbians.
who, unfortunately, aren't really my type.
but life would be so much easier if they were.
in all honesty, i have no clue how to behave normally, let alone appropriately lesbian. but i will say that i'm waiting, impatiently, for the day when none of that will matter.
when i can openly express my love for things like My Fair Lady and Pride and Prejudice and maintain that i am still very much a big spoon. - Fashion
i guess this one ties in with the whole ambiguity thing, but it doesn't hurt to point it out a bit.
i just don't know how to dress myself.
when most people picture lesbians, i think they tend to envision either totally hipster types, or totally butch types.
with my lack of fashion sense and masculinity, i don't fit into either category.
i tend to think that my nerdiness takes precedence over my lesbianism, for whatever reason.
believe it or not, whenever i enter a social situation my first thought isn't, "Look at all these hott chicks!" - it's actually more along the lines of, "Hot DAMN I wish I wasn't such a weenie."
and my clothes, i think, go along with this: i throw on whatever's practical and comfortable because, honestly, i have to focus more on survival than attraction.
and it isn't until later that i wish i'd bought that shirt my sister recommended, or had better boobs, or cuter jeans, or an ounce of swagger.
which brings me to my next point: - Swagger
i don't even know what this is. i mean, i know what this means, and i certainly tend to be drawn towards people of a certain swagger, but i don't know how to go about getting it for myself.
i get the sneaking suspicion that this is something people're more or less born with.
and most people of the LGBT community, from what i've observed, have a certain 'tude that they always seem to know how to use to their advantage.
any and all visible LGBT individuals - at least, the ones on TV and in the movies - are more or less comfortable in their own skin and fit the identity to a T.
last week during improv workshop, i was told that i gravitate towards awkward characters and that i should learn to harness my inherent awkwardness.
up until that evening, i was under the impression that i didn't have a swagger - awkward or otherwise.
as such, i've resolved to make it my mission to understand and harness this awkwardness and maybe put forward a new kind of awkward, LGBT swagger.
cuz, honestly, i don't know how to go about doing the confident one. - Hobbies
i'm a terrible guitarist. when i picked up the guitar about a year ago, determined to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine, my sister Olivia pleaded that i don't become "one of those lesbians."
really, she had nothing to worry about. my clumsy hands are enough to prevent me from forming a lesbian folk-singing power duo.
and i can't sing.
and i'm not emo.
just self-deprecating.
moreover, i can't completely give up meat, and i can't really understand people who can.
it's the Korean and Dominican in me.
don't take away my bulgogi and kalbi and pastelitos and pork.
granted, i've become more or less "Pescatarian" as of late, but sometimes i can't help but slip up.
consider my efforts to eat less meat enough to satisfy this particular effort (even though i still feel slightly inadequate).
and i can't tell the difference between Monet and Manet - i'm somewhat culturally deficient.
i mean, i enjoy museum excursions and seeing all of the artwork and everything and appreciating, simply, the beauty of and effort put into everything, but the minute you ask me to recite, in detail, the aesthetic and cultural implications and contributions of everything we've just seen, you'll probably end up drawing a blank stare or an uncomfortable giggle.
but i can quote entire verses from George Carlin's routines, and recount my favorite parts of Chaplin films.
i can nerdily and unabashedly make Harry Potter and Star Wars references and make/blurt out the puns everyone else is too cool to point out.
i said once before that a secret turn-on for me is love for Jimmy Stewart, and i've really yet to find someone who fulfills this particular irrational request.
it makes me wonder if i should hold out for someone who could potentially enjoy or embody these kinds of things, or if i should throw in the towel and conform.
there's a lot of pressure out there for someone as clueless as i am. - Unrequited Love
this is probably my biggest beef with being both gay and human.
let me tell you: straight crushes are BS.
not the kind of BS that gets picked up occasionally by street cleaners or park rangers, but the kind that NEVER GOES AWAY.
it drops, festers, stinks up the whole damned place, and multiplies every time you try to sweep it under the rug or toss it away or hose it down.
the more you try to convince yourself that it's not something worth thinking about because of the unlikelihood of the desired outcome, the more you end up torturing yourself with incessant brooding over the fact that its resolution is so unlikely.
especially if you're in the closet and at the inevitably and irrevocably awkward and confusing stage of adolescence - when nothing seems to make any sense anyhow.
someone asked me recently if i've ever been in love. my immediate answer was a bitter, "No," but, later that night, i got to thinking:
if unrequited love counts as "being in love," then, in fact, i have. and the fact that i hadn't thought of it earlier surprised me, because this one phase of my life which wound up shaking me to my very core and eventually forced me to confront my sexuality head-on was one that i never thought i'd forget or doubt.
it was the kind of thing, though, that, in my memory, i denied as being "love," for the simple fact that even just the phrases "attracted to" and "liked" were enough to cause unwarranted pain and suffering.
(thank God i'm out.)
so i started to reminisce about this one person i knew and "liked," and really sat down to understand the nature of the "like":
the way i "liked" making her laugh more than anyone else because of how great and lovely her smile and laugh were;
the way even her coldest and bluntest comments could make me laugh;
how unassuming she was about her prettiness, strength, and wit -
all of which she had in excess.
and all of which made me reconsider the previous decade or so of my life when i could easily write off any attraction i had to other girls as misunderstood and overestimated "friend feelings."
because, i suppose, it ran deeper than that.
i couldn't stop thinking about her or the whole predicament altogether.
it hurt to see her, and it hurt to miss her.
and it hurt to know that she could never know about any of it because there was no possible way that it could make a difference.
and nobody could know.
and it was disarming.
and it was this part of the whole thing that made me question my own partaking of the love pie.
that what makes love, love isn't the possibility of its reciprocation, but the sheer fact that you can sit and appreciate something, or someone, for everything they're worth.
even if the other person isn't aware of it.
knowing that you potentially see something that nobody else sees.
that being said, being gay and clueless amidst a sea of predominantly hetero femme women isn't exactly the ideal circumstance someone in my bitterly single state wants to find herself.
as much as i enjoy the idea of seeing quiet beauty that no one else really sees, i think i'd like the idea of telling this beautiful person about it all directly and often much better.
it's why i came out of the closet, so that someday i could go around and be as openly sappy as i want.
and yet, though my chances of finding someone to be sappy with have increased drastically, i still find myself in a new closet.
the kind where i find myself either attracted to a straight girl or to someone who's way out of my league.
leagues that're predetermined by Ambiguity, Swagger, Hobbies, and Fashion.
but i suppose what i'm trying to say is that unrequited love doesn't discriminate against any one group.
and the world would be a much better place if everyone was bi.
and a little bit nerdy.
