so, according to my sisters, my dad's been going on about how much i've "blossomed" this year.
personally, it's pretty tough to gauge how much change has happened.
so, after a recent dramatic event/discussion with my suite-mates - who suggested i take a look back and re-evaluate just how much i've changed this year so as to come to terms with the possibility that "not all change is good" - i've decided to do just that.
first, a look at freshman year:
1. i was unhappy with my self-image. upon gaining an insane amount of weight the previous two years (following a diagnosis of Depression, etc.), i had little to like about myself - both inside and out.
2. i was a total hermit. the only person i really ever talked to was my roommate (who i still absolutely adore).
3. i wasn't part of any of the communities on campus and, therefore, felt completely detached and unhappy. i was lonely.
4. i didn't know what to do with my life. i was lost, confused, and helpless. i felt useless and isolated. i was a waste of space.
in fact, freshman year, my depression and loneliness hit such a low point that i seriously considered transferring (or worse). i wasn't happy with myself, my situation, and my homesickness was a burgeoning incurable disease.
and now a look at this past year:
1. i have so many unbelievable friends, and i've met (and am still meeting) really interesting people. i actually have a social life, but, more than that, i have a second family.
2. i'm totally involved and in love with a community. so much so that i've taken on a couple of leadership roles for a couple of the organizations i really enjoyed this year.
3. i feel like i'm part of an exciting movement.
4. i'm taking an active role in pursuing dreams that i used to think were out of reach because i was too chicken. actually, i managed to persuade my parents to let me stay in LA for the summer so i can suck it up and do some improv comedy workshops.
5. i'm feeling much more inspired, and have consequently started writing more. not well, but still something.
6. i've decided on a major - Narrative Studies - and have every intention of actually following through with a lot of things that i've put on either the backburner or a pedestal.
7. i finally feel worthwhile. er, at least, a little more wortwhile than before.
so, suite-mates, i'd just like to say that i'm quite happy with the changes that've taken place this past year. i may have made a few mistakes, but i've learned from them. i'm human. and the fact that i choose not to stay cooped up in my room all day (anymore) doesn't mean that i've taken a turn for the worse.
i finally feel like i'm coming into my own and, for lack of a better analogy, and to continue the overall sappiness of this post, i'm "blossoming."
it's been a big month.
in all honesty, i'm not sure if pursuing a career in comedy - in any form - is promising, but i know that if i don't try, it could be something i regret for the rest of my life.
and i'm excited about coordinating uRap and OutReach (co-coordinating this one), albeit a little nervous, because it feels like holding these positions is a culmination several shell-shattering acts and events. it'll be a challenge, going from being nobody to being someone in charge, but it'll definitely be a huge learning experience.
and all of this is important. i used to complain and whine about being single and everything, but, now that i know what it's like to be myself, and now that i've been able to look back at who i was, i think i finally know what they mean when they say that the only way you can really be with someone else is if you're comfortable with being with yourself first.
and i think i'm finally coming into that position.
i'm happy.
(also, i'm more than aware of the cheesiness of this post's title. so whatever. WHATEVER.)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
shaken and stirred.
a little while back, i went to a queer-Chicana/o-themed slam poetry performance with a couple of friends and consequently had my mind blown.
the night was filled with thought-provoking and emotion-invoking lyricism - the likes of which i'd never experienced in a live performance setting. it was small, raw, and empowering.
the featured performer was Yosimar Reyes, a gay, 20-year-old Chicano, award-winning, critically acclaimed slam poet who's on the rise in the slam sub-culture of LA. his work primarily focuses on the issues concerning the intersection of colored queerness in the context of the gang war torn streets of LA and the burgeoning culture of the LGBT Chicano around the world.
hearing and seeing him perform was an unbelievable experience. the fact that it happened in a small, indie, hidden art gallery down an obscure street not too far from Skid Row was something that undoubtedly added to the power of his words, his voice, and his message - not that they needed help.
here are just a couple of the ones he performed:
Acts of Resistance
This is not fucking
Not to be confused with lovemaking
This is resistance
Your hand pressed upon my chest
The way your lips feel on mine
This could never be anything but that
Some say we were not born
To be inter connected like this
And to think people have died for us to feel so complete
You on top of me
Saying
This feels right
And it does
Never for a moment did I think I would find myself in this predicament
Whispering your name
As if I was in deep prayer
So in the blessings I envision
I see your hands
Caressing the parts of my body
I have grown to be ashamed of
You make me feel me
In its totality
Cause every time we are inter connected like this
I feel stronger
Like somehow
Through this fucking, lovemaking call it whatever
I am Home
So I open the doors of my body to you
No longer afraid
Of the ghosts that haunt me
The ones that came inside and left me empty
Took the innocence I sold for acceptance
You bring warmth
After the heated bodies
I am surprised that you are still here
Holding my hand
Telling me that I should not feel dirty
Because rituals like this do not involve bloodshed
This is resistance
Because brown boys are not supposed to love like this
We are not supposed to fuck like this
We are supposed to take
Break into women's bodies
And leave them homeless
We are supposed to inflict power
On the bodies of those who have nothing but love to give
This is resistance
You and I
Whispering in the middle of the night
Laying side by side
Your arm as my pillow
Your stories is all I want to hear
This is not fucking
This is resistance
Brown boys are not supposed to love
We were simply born to fuck
Each other up
So now that we are getting ready to do this again
I want you to hold me but this time pretend
That as we are committing this act of resistance
We are regaining all that was taken from us
Our dignity, our pride, our love for one another
Do me with justice
My mother always told me that going against authority would kill me
And if it does there is no other way I want to die
But with you at my side
Both of us shouting
Fuck the Police!
This is Front Line Resistance!
Mi Amigo (translations at the bottom, and they're numbered)
Because you will never be mine and I will never be yours
I write these words
Because in my heart I hold nothing but respect and admiration
And in my lips hide kisses that will never touch your skin
I write in silence
Thinking of the force you have upon me
How your breath carries winds
Tus brazos, (1)
Tus ojos, (2)
Tus Labios carry history (3)
Movements of our people
Como migrations
You have me thinking of home
And how I would love to build one with you
You by my side
Telling me what poems you like best
God must have made you with precision
because every time I look into your imperfections I see nothing but beauty
Eres como la luna en las noches que no puedo dormir (4)
Como las olas del mar que lloran (5)
Porque no las puedo oir...(6)
For you I would sing these words
Place them on an altar in honor of you
And offer my love and loyalty forever
Eres como el sol (7)
So powerful that I can't avoid you
Every Morning I awake to see you
And like the Sun and Moon
I must come to terms that we both work best whne we are
Separate
Y separados como nuestra tierra (8)
Te mando estas palabras (9)
Pa' que sepas (10)
Que siempre habra alguien que te quiere (11)
That I will always be here
And although I cannot love you like a lover
You will always be
Mi sol, (12)
Mi tierra, (13)
Mi amor, (14)
Mi Amigo. (15)
translations:
1. your arms
2. your eyes
3. your lips
4. you are like the moon on nights that i cannot sleep
5. like the waves of the sea that cry
6. because i cannot hear them
7. you are like the sun
8. and separated like our earth
9. i send you these words
10. so that you know
11. that there will always be someone who loves you
12. my sun
13. my earth
14. my love
15. my friend
needless to say, i bought the book. and took a poster. and friended him on facebook. and walked away feeling smarter, stronger, and inspired.
the night was filled with thought-provoking and emotion-invoking lyricism - the likes of which i'd never experienced in a live performance setting. it was small, raw, and empowering.
the featured performer was Yosimar Reyes, a gay, 20-year-old Chicano, award-winning, critically acclaimed slam poet who's on the rise in the slam sub-culture of LA. his work primarily focuses on the issues concerning the intersection of colored queerness in the context of the gang war torn streets of LA and the burgeoning culture of the LGBT Chicano around the world.
hearing and seeing him perform was an unbelievable experience. the fact that it happened in a small, indie, hidden art gallery down an obscure street not too far from Skid Row was something that undoubtedly added to the power of his words, his voice, and his message - not that they needed help.
here are just a couple of the ones he performed:
Acts of Resistance
This is not fucking
Not to be confused with lovemaking
This is resistance
Your hand pressed upon my chest
The way your lips feel on mine
This could never be anything but that
Some say we were not born
To be inter connected like this
And to think people have died for us to feel so complete
You on top of me
Saying
This feels right
And it does
Never for a moment did I think I would find myself in this predicament
Whispering your name
As if I was in deep prayer
So in the blessings I envision
I see your hands
Caressing the parts of my body
I have grown to be ashamed of
You make me feel me
In its totality
Cause every time we are inter connected like this
I feel stronger
Like somehow
Through this fucking, lovemaking call it whatever
I am Home
So I open the doors of my body to you
No longer afraid
Of the ghosts that haunt me
The ones that came inside and left me empty
Took the innocence I sold for acceptance
You bring warmth
After the heated bodies
I am surprised that you are still here
Holding my hand
Telling me that I should not feel dirty
Because rituals like this do not involve bloodshed
This is resistance
Because brown boys are not supposed to love like this
We are not supposed to fuck like this
We are supposed to take
Break into women's bodies
And leave them homeless
We are supposed to inflict power
On the bodies of those who have nothing but love to give
This is resistance
You and I
Whispering in the middle of the night
Laying side by side
Your arm as my pillow
Your stories is all I want to hear
This is not fucking
This is resistance
Brown boys are not supposed to love
We were simply born to fuck
Each other up
So now that we are getting ready to do this again
I want you to hold me but this time pretend
That as we are committing this act of resistance
We are regaining all that was taken from us
Our dignity, our pride, our love for one another
Do me with justice
My mother always told me that going against authority would kill me
And if it does there is no other way I want to die
But with you at my side
Both of us shouting
Fuck the Police!
This is Front Line Resistance!
Mi Amigo (translations at the bottom, and they're numbered)
Because you will never be mine and I will never be yours
I write these words
Because in my heart I hold nothing but respect and admiration
And in my lips hide kisses that will never touch your skin
I write in silence
Thinking of the force you have upon me
How your breath carries winds
Tus brazos, (1)
Tus ojos, (2)
Tus Labios carry history (3)
Movements of our people
Como migrations
You have me thinking of home
And how I would love to build one with you
You by my side
Telling me what poems you like best
God must have made you with precision
because every time I look into your imperfections I see nothing but beauty
Eres como la luna en las noches que no puedo dormir (4)
Como las olas del mar que lloran (5)
Porque no las puedo oir...(6)
For you I would sing these words
Place them on an altar in honor of you
And offer my love and loyalty forever
Eres como el sol (7)
So powerful that I can't avoid you
Every Morning I awake to see you
And like the Sun and Moon
I must come to terms that we both work best whne we are
Separate
Y separados como nuestra tierra (8)
Te mando estas palabras (9)
Pa' que sepas (10)
Que siempre habra alguien que te quiere (11)
That I will always be here
And although I cannot love you like a lover
You will always be
Mi sol, (12)
Mi tierra, (13)
Mi amor, (14)
Mi Amigo. (15)
translations:
1. your arms
2. your eyes
3. your lips
4. you are like the moon on nights that i cannot sleep
5. like the waves of the sea that cry
6. because i cannot hear them
7. you are like the sun
8. and separated like our earth
9. i send you these words
10. so that you know
11. that there will always be someone who loves you
12. my sun
13. my earth
14. my love
15. my friend
needless to say, i bought the book. and took a poster. and friended him on facebook. and walked away feeling smarter, stronger, and inspired.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
all's fair when love is war: obsessed (and other terribly cliche frustrations)
crushes are probably the worst idea since that time when Chamberlain said, "Oh, don't mind Hitler: he's a stand up chap."
seriously. if there's one thing i hate more than having an irrational crush, it's constantly being around said crush and therefore not being able to get over said crush.
and not knowing how to properly use colons and semi-colons. and dashes. i tend to be dash, colon, and semi-colon happy.
i can never control when a crush starts. or when it changes.
i could develop a crush on someone because of the most mundane event that, to a normal person, would go unnoticed (as it should).
she could give me a wave, or trip on herself, or make a nerdy Harry Potter reference, or just laugh in a particular way and i'd fall head over heels for her. even if i don't know her that well.
it's impossible to determine my type when my desperation not only blinds me to certain, previously abhorred traits, but also gives a lot of meaning to a lot of nonsense: nonsense that can and will probably go on to haunt every waking moment and every attempt at relaxation and meditation.
moreover, once a crush is realized (even after i acknowledge the fact that it's unfounded or unlikely), i spend the next ridiculously long period of my life pining away at something that had no real past, no real present, and definitely no real chance for a future.
why do i do this to myself? i can't think of any answer apart from, "Because I secretly like to torment myself."
seriously. sometimes i think i have this secret need to pine and suffer for the sake of unrequited love. somehow it's a sick way for me to get my jollies. as pathetic as it sounds, subconscious, irrational Vickie appears to find self-inflicted unrequited love a perfect avenue for uncomfortable feelings and helplessly awkward encounters.
and it blows.
especially when you get so stupidly drunk at a party that you confess to anyone and everyone (except the actual girl, of course) that you have a nerdy, silly crush on a certain someone...
...while you're wildly unattractive for a multitude of reasons, the least significant of which is your concession to Asian Glow (of course, the only Asian gene you inherited, of all the other totally awesome and promising Asian genes you could have gotten had your sisters not run the prodigal gene river dry).
as i once told my friend Kyle, who once tried to encourage me to, "Pounce on the bitch," i don't pounce, i pine.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the cojones to be upfront about all these feelings, and then i remember that it would be impossible to bypass my inherent awkwardness and inability to ignore the turning of the stomach and tightening of the throat whenever someone i'm remotely attracted to randomly decides to roll around.
it's never until the awkward moment's passed that i think of a million ridiculously charming and clever things i could've said to win her heart, rather than the useless, socially challenged word vomit and dribble that tend to spew from my mouth when i'm in a panic.
and then, of course, i keep kicking myself (sometimes literally) and complain and make a whiney ass bitch of myself in front of my poor, absurdly loyal, compassionate, and generous friends who have no choice but to hear my annoying self-deprecating rants.
(i'm sorry, you guys.)
why can't i change? why can't i just grow up? why can't i grow a pair of ovaries and stroll right on up to her and say, "Hey, I like you a whole lot and think we should get coffee?"
coffee?
i don't know. according to my cousins, it's what grown-ups do when they like each other and want to talk.
am i even grown up enough for a relationship of sorts? or even just a date?
sometimes i get the nagging suspicion that i'm nothing but a 6 year old trapped in an ill conceived 20 year old body.
i would much prefer to be the other way around, but it's probably way too late for that kind of switch.
also, coffee at this point would be rendered useless by the sheer fact that i can't so much as greet her without saying or doing something that could land me in an institution.
i suppose the best place to begin would be to sit down and think about the things i tend to be attracted to, or could potentially be attracted to when in a somewhat sane state of mind.
Personality-wise:
1. she has to be willing to make bad jokes and potentially make something of a slight fool of herself in public. this is probably the biggest turn on of all time. i'm not sure why, but anyone who's comfortable enough with herself to not care about making a slight ass of herself is alright in my books.
2. she has to be able to laugh at my bad jokes, or at least tease me about them. or any of my jokes, for that matter, but as the majority of my jokes tend to fall on the nerdy side, this particular trait could be a major asset.
3. being outspoken but not pretentious or condescending (towards anyone) is a great trait to have. there's a difference between having an opinion and denouncing all other opinions.
4. that being said, intelligence isn't essential so much as passion is really important. if she's passionate about anything, and is willing to share it with me and educate me about it, then things'd be great.
5. she's unassuming about her looks and her personality. everything she does is natural to her and genuine and unshakeable.
6. unafraid of her nerdiness or awkwardness. she just is.
Looks-wise:
just FYI, i'm not particular about physical stuff.
1. she's comfortable with herself. no matter what. she might be humble, and a little awkward and shy and unassuming, but not wildly insecure or falsely self-deprecating.
2. warm eyes, as cheesy as this sounds. just something in her eyes when she's laughing or smiling or talking to me that grabs me. it's genuine and makes me feel safe somehow. (on a more superficial level, i tend to be drawn to lighter eyes, particularly grey or green.)
3. a nice, big, genuine, warm smile. again, cheesy. shoot me.
4. a great laugh. sappy, but true. it's the kind of laugh that i like to hear over and over again and which makes me wanna make her laugh over and over again.
5. as i tend to be more comfortable with being a Big Spoon, she'd probably be a little shorter or at least around my height. and this is completely superficial.
6. artsy and/or strong hands. i don't know, but i have a hand fetish.
Hobbies-wise:
1. i love to cuddle. i just do. and it's long overdue.
2. if she loves It's a Wonderful Life, or any Jimmy Stewart movie, i'll probably be into her.
3. if she has a nerdy obsession/interest (i.e. Harry Potter, Star Wars) - but not to the point where it's creepy - i'm in.
4. again, things that she's really passionate about. anything. whether it's artsy, or charitable, or purely indulgent, any form of passion for or deeper understanding of something is a huge plus.
granted, all that said, i know i'm in no position to be choosey and, by all means, i know that this "list" is completely malleable. i suppose outlining all of this and trying to put order to something that, for me, tends to be completely chaotic and non-sensical or unfounded is supposed to be therapeutic.
i guess some people see the romance in decidedly having feelings for someone for reasons they can't quite explain following a totally chance encounter filled with unorthodox (or completely, overanalyzed typical) minor occurrences - and i suppose some part of me likes to agree - but i can't help but wonder if feelings like that, or like the crush under which i'm currently pressed, are at all healthy or helpful.
after figuring out what i tend to like, the next step might be to find out what i'd do if i were to find someone who managed to fit (or, at least, someone i'm inexplicably drawn to):
1. i'd spend an unspecified amount of time pining and complaining to poor, innocent friends who want nothing more than to stuff a sock in my mouth and be done with it.
2. i'd pine some more.
3. [ideally, in a perfect world where the women i tend to be attracted to aren't way too good for me] during some chance encounter, i'd suddenly blurt out something irretractable like, "Hey! You! Coffee?" or, hopefully, something way more suave (i still have to work it out...)
4. i'd take her out to do something fun that either plays to one of or both of our passions or that neither of us has done before, before/after dinner or lunch or coffee. (too cliche?)
5. if, by some miracle, things go well and i haven't made a total ass of myself, i'd offer to take/walk her home. a walk which, again, if everything has somehow managed to go about without a hitch, might include some level of handholding or awkward flirting.
6. if i still haven't screwed up, i might hint at a second date.
7. after a series of successful dates, we might progress to cuddling.
8. and so on and so forth.
needless to say, i'm naive, inexperienced, and totally sappy. moreover, i've clearly received dating lessons from rom coms of the mid-20th century.
in all honesty, i really can't see myself going through with step #3 any time soon. if anything, i'd have to be the one approached.
what my friends and i have concluded is that i am incapable of flirting. not because i don't know how to respond, but because i don't even know what's going on until after it's all over.
the only way i might pick up on it would be if she came up to me and said something along the lines of, "Hey. I'm flirting with you."
and i probably still wouldn't believe her.
i lead a sad, sad existence.
i need help.
fast.
fin.
Lykke Li - "Tonight"
The Killers - "Dustland Fairytale"
Cat Stevens - "How Can I Tell You?"
seriously. if there's one thing i hate more than having an irrational crush, it's constantly being around said crush and therefore not being able to get over said crush.
and not knowing how to properly use colons and semi-colons. and dashes. i tend to be dash, colon, and semi-colon happy.
i can never control when a crush starts. or when it changes.
i could develop a crush on someone because of the most mundane event that, to a normal person, would go unnoticed (as it should).
she could give me a wave, or trip on herself, or make a nerdy Harry Potter reference, or just laugh in a particular way and i'd fall head over heels for her. even if i don't know her that well.
it's impossible to determine my type when my desperation not only blinds me to certain, previously abhorred traits, but also gives a lot of meaning to a lot of nonsense: nonsense that can and will probably go on to haunt every waking moment and every attempt at relaxation and meditation.
moreover, once a crush is realized (even after i acknowledge the fact that it's unfounded or unlikely), i spend the next ridiculously long period of my life pining away at something that had no real past, no real present, and definitely no real chance for a future.
why do i do this to myself? i can't think of any answer apart from, "Because I secretly like to torment myself."
seriously. sometimes i think i have this secret need to pine and suffer for the sake of unrequited love. somehow it's a sick way for me to get my jollies. as pathetic as it sounds, subconscious, irrational Vickie appears to find self-inflicted unrequited love a perfect avenue for uncomfortable feelings and helplessly awkward encounters.
and it blows.
especially when you get so stupidly drunk at a party that you confess to anyone and everyone (except the actual girl, of course) that you have a nerdy, silly crush on a certain someone...
...while you're wildly unattractive for a multitude of reasons, the least significant of which is your concession to Asian Glow (of course, the only Asian gene you inherited, of all the other totally awesome and promising Asian genes you could have gotten had your sisters not run the prodigal gene river dry).
as i once told my friend Kyle, who once tried to encourage me to, "Pounce on the bitch," i don't pounce, i pine.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the cojones to be upfront about all these feelings, and then i remember that it would be impossible to bypass my inherent awkwardness and inability to ignore the turning of the stomach and tightening of the throat whenever someone i'm remotely attracted to randomly decides to roll around.
it's never until the awkward moment's passed that i think of a million ridiculously charming and clever things i could've said to win her heart, rather than the useless, socially challenged word vomit and dribble that tend to spew from my mouth when i'm in a panic.
and then, of course, i keep kicking myself (sometimes literally) and complain and make a whiney ass bitch of myself in front of my poor, absurdly loyal, compassionate, and generous friends who have no choice but to hear my annoying self-deprecating rants.
(i'm sorry, you guys.)
why can't i change? why can't i just grow up? why can't i grow a pair of ovaries and stroll right on up to her and say, "Hey, I like you a whole lot and think we should get coffee?"
coffee?
i don't know. according to my cousins, it's what grown-ups do when they like each other and want to talk.
am i even grown up enough for a relationship of sorts? or even just a date?
sometimes i get the nagging suspicion that i'm nothing but a 6 year old trapped in an ill conceived 20 year old body.
i would much prefer to be the other way around, but it's probably way too late for that kind of switch.
also, coffee at this point would be rendered useless by the sheer fact that i can't so much as greet her without saying or doing something that could land me in an institution.
i suppose the best place to begin would be to sit down and think about the things i tend to be attracted to, or could potentially be attracted to when in a somewhat sane state of mind.
Personality-wise:
1. she has to be willing to make bad jokes and potentially make something of a slight fool of herself in public. this is probably the biggest turn on of all time. i'm not sure why, but anyone who's comfortable enough with herself to not care about making a slight ass of herself is alright in my books.
2. she has to be able to laugh at my bad jokes, or at least tease me about them. or any of my jokes, for that matter, but as the majority of my jokes tend to fall on the nerdy side, this particular trait could be a major asset.
3. being outspoken but not pretentious or condescending (towards anyone) is a great trait to have. there's a difference between having an opinion and denouncing all other opinions.
4. that being said, intelligence isn't essential so much as passion is really important. if she's passionate about anything, and is willing to share it with me and educate me about it, then things'd be great.
5. she's unassuming about her looks and her personality. everything she does is natural to her and genuine and unshakeable.
6. unafraid of her nerdiness or awkwardness. she just is.
Looks-wise:
just FYI, i'm not particular about physical stuff.
1. she's comfortable with herself. no matter what. she might be humble, and a little awkward and shy and unassuming, but not wildly insecure or falsely self-deprecating.
2. warm eyes, as cheesy as this sounds. just something in her eyes when she's laughing or smiling or talking to me that grabs me. it's genuine and makes me feel safe somehow. (on a more superficial level, i tend to be drawn to lighter eyes, particularly grey or green.)
3. a nice, big, genuine, warm smile. again, cheesy. shoot me.
4. a great laugh. sappy, but true. it's the kind of laugh that i like to hear over and over again and which makes me wanna make her laugh over and over again.
5. as i tend to be more comfortable with being a Big Spoon, she'd probably be a little shorter or at least around my height. and this is completely superficial.
6. artsy and/or strong hands. i don't know, but i have a hand fetish.
Hobbies-wise:
1. i love to cuddle. i just do. and it's long overdue.
2. if she loves It's a Wonderful Life, or any Jimmy Stewart movie, i'll probably be into her.
3. if she has a nerdy obsession/interest (i.e. Harry Potter, Star Wars) - but not to the point where it's creepy - i'm in.
4. again, things that she's really passionate about. anything. whether it's artsy, or charitable, or purely indulgent, any form of passion for or deeper understanding of something is a huge plus.
granted, all that said, i know i'm in no position to be choosey and, by all means, i know that this "list" is completely malleable. i suppose outlining all of this and trying to put order to something that, for me, tends to be completely chaotic and non-sensical or unfounded is supposed to be therapeutic.
i guess some people see the romance in decidedly having feelings for someone for reasons they can't quite explain following a totally chance encounter filled with unorthodox (or completely, overanalyzed typical) minor occurrences - and i suppose some part of me likes to agree - but i can't help but wonder if feelings like that, or like the crush under which i'm currently pressed, are at all healthy or helpful.
after figuring out what i tend to like, the next step might be to find out what i'd do if i were to find someone who managed to fit (or, at least, someone i'm inexplicably drawn to):
1. i'd spend an unspecified amount of time pining and complaining to poor, innocent friends who want nothing more than to stuff a sock in my mouth and be done with it.
2. i'd pine some more.
3. [ideally, in a perfect world where the women i tend to be attracted to aren't way too good for me] during some chance encounter, i'd suddenly blurt out something irretractable like, "Hey! You! Coffee?" or, hopefully, something way more suave (i still have to work it out...)
4. i'd take her out to do something fun that either plays to one of or both of our passions or that neither of us has done before, before/after dinner or lunch or coffee. (too cliche?)
5. if, by some miracle, things go well and i haven't made a total ass of myself, i'd offer to take/walk her home. a walk which, again, if everything has somehow managed to go about without a hitch, might include some level of handholding or awkward flirting.
6. if i still haven't screwed up, i might hint at a second date.
7. after a series of successful dates, we might progress to cuddling.
8. and so on and so forth.
needless to say, i'm naive, inexperienced, and totally sappy. moreover, i've clearly received dating lessons from rom coms of the mid-20th century.
in all honesty, i really can't see myself going through with step #3 any time soon. if anything, i'd have to be the one approached.
what my friends and i have concluded is that i am incapable of flirting. not because i don't know how to respond, but because i don't even know what's going on until after it's all over.
the only way i might pick up on it would be if she came up to me and said something along the lines of, "Hey. I'm flirting with you."
and i probably still wouldn't believe her.
i lead a sad, sad existence.
i need help.
fast.
fin.
Lykke Li - "Tonight"
The Killers - "Dustland Fairytale"
Cat Stevens - "How Can I Tell You?"
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